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Handle with Care: Empathy at Work


Nov 10, 2019

Jennifer Magley

I was I was grieving the loss of of this person of this role in my life and really just more of grieving the life that I thought I was going to have and that that was actually which may be not a great sign but that was actually more painful than even just becoming a single mother it was. Oh my gosh this is my life, I’m this scarlet letter

 

INTRO

 

Jennifer Magley is a talented entrepreneur and speaker.  She claims the stage in engagements across the nation and coaches executive leaders.  Her role as an executive coach is fitting; Jennifer was a professional tennis player and then a NCAA Division 1 head coach. 

 

You know when Jennifer enters a room.  She is tall and striking, confidently claiming her space.

 

But, that confidence is not born out of an unbroken string of successes.  This captivating coach and speaker has dealt with her own share of disruption.  A few years ago, betrayal left her reeling; her marriage was over, she had a newborn and suddenly became an under-employed single mom of two small children. 

 

We’ll jump into her story soon, but, as we begin our episode, I want to introduce two sponsors for the podcast.  FullStack PEO offers turn-key HR for emerging companies.  Glad to have them as part of the podcast because, beyond being good at administering benefits, on a personal level, I also really like the men and women behind FullStack. 

 

We are also sponsored by Handle w/ Care HR Solutions, offering empathy coaching and manager training so you can give support when it matters most.

 

In today’s episode, Jennifer shares her story of disruption.  She talks about the unrelenting days, the economic challenges, and the misperceptions she regularly confronts. Jennifer also offers a particular, important nuance to the conversation.  She is a woman of color, and this means that she faces additional challenges and hurdles along her journey of single parenting.

 

We had to reschedule our initial recording session because Jennifer’s car came to a grinding halt in the middle of a busy, northside intersection on her way to the studio.  The tow service was taking forever and traffic was whizzing by.  I met her on the corner of Meridian and 96 Street.  I can’t fix cars, but I did bring her a little carrot cake in a mason jar.  This roadside crisis is the context of the start of our interview.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Jennifer I'm so glad to have you in the studio today. Thanks for coming.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Thank you for coming and for saving my life a couple weeks ago bringing me cake on the side of the road when my car broke down. Yes. You were my hero and are my hero.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Well nothing says comfort in the midst of an auto crisis like baked goods.

 

- Jennifer Magley

That's true. That was it disrupted my entire day. So, it's perfect to start the podcast the show with it. Yes.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Well so you didn't…you had this like minor disruptive life event but you're stuck on the side of the road and I think you guys were headed to like a pumpkin patch or did you get to do day's activities with your kids.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah it's kind of the story of life. You get ready to go. And it's actually always a wonderful plotline because you've got your protagonist and then the disruption happens. Right. And you're hoping for the best and you helped me that moment because it turned into a picnic on the side of the road. I just chose to think it out. Think about it as a picnic rather than my car broke down and it's completely totaled. And you know in front of moving traffic. So yeah, I'm grateful for that. But I made it here finally made it here which is good.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Yeah. And you are headed out a little bit later to elementary school.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah.

 

- Liesel Mertes

With your son who is a celebrity.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Today is definitely a celebrity of the day which concludes celebrity of the week. So that's all it is I get to be his plus one his his ultimate groupie his number one fan today at lunch for life. Yeah, yeah, Mom, Mom is the number one fan manager maybe I can be as mom and what they call them now.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Well OK, so that's perhaps a good segue way number one fan. Your parents behind you, you have a backstory that brings you here. Tell us a little bit about your growing up right.

 

- Jennifer Magley

So, I'm the oldest of four children and it's been an honor to be their, their oldest sibling I actually just had a little niece named after me with her middle no middle name is Rose. So, my middle name is Rose and I have another niece who is gonna be named after me too, which is Rose, which I'm beyond honored considering I'm such an intense older sibling. So, as I know they're all this for I know. Okay. Go get it.

 

- Jennifer Magley

It's terrifying. So I'm grateful for that. And so that's kind of I guess a testament to the fact that they still love me after all these years.

 

- Jennifer Magley

But I grew up in a loving home wonderful home. You know, we've got generations of married folks that are still married and it's been something that I've been grateful for. So, my whole life I kind of thought that my life was going to track theirs right. And so, I did everything that I could to prepare myself for this future life including just like what we call staying pure till marriage. That's like the biggest stance that I took and I went to a very will say liberal college fun party school and I stuck with that all through those years because it's my own personal conviction. And the reason why I share this part of my story is because it's kind of like putting in all the ingredients for a chocolate cake and into the oven and you pull out a cactus because I thought by doing all of these what I thought were right things for me my life would turn out the way that I was expecting.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 Which was the way of my parents in the way of my grandparents that I would have this particular life.

 

- Liesel Mertes

And in the midst of, I hear that the sense of, oh this wasn't the way it was supposed to go right and you were also very busy in these years as you were going to college. Yeah. And this was a huge part of your world.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yes I was. I'm a former professional athlete and division one head coach and so I love to have fun and work hard but really you know DONE is my favorite four letter word d o n e like so accomplishing things that is something that was a big deal to me and in a sense getting married and having a family was this bizarre kind of accomplishment. But it's hard to put that on your list of things to do. Yes. On the top of the list get married like you can't force that or find that. And so when I did meet someone through my family I was so excited about it and we knew each other a short time and then we ended up getting married and I thought this was just I was so excited.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 Everything in my life was lining up all the pieces were coming together and go through a fertility journey and you know lose ,lose one early on and end up having kind of this miracle healing where I get to now be the mother of two small boys. It was just really a unique story.

 

- Jennifer Magley

And I've been everything, you know, I've been the breadwinner in my marriage for when I was married for the majority of the time I've been a stay at home mom. I've been I work from home mom or work from work because we all know it's extra work being home. And then now I will just on one day overnight I basically became a single mom and that was completely unexpected.

 

- Liesel Mertes

It sounds like an emotional journey with so many inflection points

 

- Jennifer Magley

I was in my 20s and I was just had the dream wedding everything was beautiful. My mother planned, dad and, I think the biggest part of any relationship and anyone that has a large wedding is that you're standing in front of every single person that means anything to you and you're making these vows. So then when you know you're told the actual truth about your life which was this person had been having there's no other word but just sex with other people from them since the moment he match you over the entire duration of the relationship.

 

- Jennifer Magley

When he confessed this to me in front of our two small children you know that's just the kind of a first thought that comes to mind is the first off for me was oh gosh I'm not crazy.

 

- Jennifer Magley

And then the second part was, oh wow, you know you kind of really have to work through your own ego of, Geez everyone that I have ever known was there and I'm so embarrassed that I didn't see this and I'm so embarrassed that I didn't. How silly of me not to see this coming, I suppose, so that was really those backstories of you know staying air quote pure until marriage just believing in these, these core truths.

 

- Jennifer Magley

For a lot of people and then having it unravel in one moment was definitely a disruption to the life that I thought I was going to. Then I was in it and ever since that moment it has played a huge part of every part of my every moment of my day because I went from being a stay at home mother; I had quit working and actually I was launching my business from my first business then. And that happened two days before a huge piece in The Indianapolis Star came out with both of our photos on it. And so. I had a choice. Am I going to move forward with my business and with my life and becoming a single slash independent mother or am I just going to fall apart in my world fall apart meant to quit and kind of curl up in a ball in your bed and not not get out?

 

- Liesel Mertes

How did how did that decision or those moments unfold? Because, you're in such crises right? You've got these young kids you have this external thing. What did that look like did you have people or resources that you remember and you're like that was that was a game changer for me?

 

- Jennifer Magley

It definitely I'm, I'm so blessed so fortunate that my mother dropped everything like she got that call same day and I'm so kind of articulate the types of varied reactions that people have and everyone's different but in the moment that you realize you've been in an unhealthy relationship where somebody has been taking advantage of you and that's taking advantage of your trust or fill in the blank. You have basically one of two polarizing options. The first is to stay and realize that I am in symbiosis with this person. So I'm, I'm dependent on them and in order for me to stay in this marriage or stay in this relationship I have to change.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 So I have to go to the therapy if that person is willing to try to understand and navigate their lack. And I've got to, I've got to be the one to change because it's impossible for me to be myself and stay in this situation. And then you have the other option which is to just say, this is enough, put your foot down and pivot because the longer you stay in an unhealthy very unhealthy situation the harder it is to get out. If that makes any sense. So, to that point, when I made that I put my foot down and I pivoted.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 I was fortunate to have the resources of my, my mother who dropped everything and actually came to live with me for a while to help me navigate what became a very challenging gosh for years of being a single mother entrepreneur here in the state of Indiana.

 

- Liesel Mertes

So there's so many levels:  I imagine there's the logistics there is just like that the energy level of caring for your two kids. What did you find were some of the biggest misconceptions that people had as you were going through that journey and were it like what were some things that people said?

 

- Jennifer Magley

Well, at the time I lived in Hamilton County. So, Hamilton County in Indiana has 4.5 children per home. So it's kind of the incubator of the Midwest. So, if you want to get pregnant walk through Target and fishers target and yeah there's nothing but kids there.

 

- Jennifer Magley

And so, I lived on this very ideal like street in Fishers where everyone was married and there was only one single mother and she was a bit of an outlier you know within the neighborhood. And the moment I became a fellow single or independent mother as well say I felt like everything changed. And the biggest kind of misconceptions that I had to face were the ones that I had. So, I found myself having to feel I felt as though I had to explain how I became a single mother to people as though there's some type of hierarchy for example oh well this is what happened to me and this is how I became a single mom.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 I was married as though it makes a difference. And that's when I kind of face my own conviction or maybe faulty perceptions of what it meant what it meant to go on your own. And now I don't feel the need to explain my backstory to people I'm just a single mom. Like, what difference does it make if I was married or not.

 

- Liesel Mertes

It's so interesting and just the that unsaid expectations seem to form behavior in really powerful ways. Did you find that navigating you were your family or your social dynamics suddenly felt different? Were there people that really stepped up to bat and were there and were there people they just faded away?

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah I feel that crisis reveals a lot of the backstories of people. So, you know there were a few people that said can you make it work like is that you know I know I know this was happening for nearly eight years and you weren't aware of it.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Can you make it work for the children? And that's really revealing. For me, it was a fundamental trust that was broken an identity that of a person that didn't exist basically the way that I saw it that was created and so yeah. There are a lot of people that really just revealed their, their views through their questions or through their ways of wanting to help.

 

- Jennifer Magley

But overall, I would say that I just had a lot of we support your decision because it's a bit like when you hear about the old lady the old lady who's on TV that, I've been scammed you kind of don't ask them to, was there any way you can kind of forgive that scammer and that took your life savings and you go on a date with them. People don't really ask those ladies to do that and it's interesting that in the case of marriage when there are children people ask you to do kind of unthinkable things because nobody is saying to that 90 year old lady like well what role did you play in this scam.

 

- Jennifer Magley

You know, I did open the yeah you did open that door and, and again there's people that shun women for running in a sports bra. And so, there is that mentality out there but I didn't encounter a ton of it at all with my own family I over how to just loads of support and they essentially became more of a village for my kiddos to raise them.

 

- Liesel Mertes

What were some of it… so your mom dropped everything and came.

 

- Jennifer Magley

She did and then moved into our into my house. My mom and my dad they made that their HQ for a while.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Yeah. What were other things that you look back and you think of people on the way that you go in those immediate stages that was so good, I really appreciated that?

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah gosh I would say that it was really my mom. So I've been asked, like OK did you do therapy? Like what did you do to cope? Because what happens and this is a lot of times what happens with grief is the same thing that happens with deception. You your good memories are also painful. So when you look back and it's like oh oh this is what was going on when it was my birthday and I was pregnant. Oh this is where you were actually after the wedding the wedding reception for my family. You were out doing your extracurricular activities so then every single good memory is tainted because of that.

 

- Jennifer Magley

And so my mom really was the one that stepped up and I didn't have therapy but I had like 24 hour intense support and my mother. And it was a lot of extreme moments for me because I think like grief, I was I was grieving the loss of of this person of this role in my life and really just more of grieving the life that I thought I was going to have and that that was actually which may be not a great sign but that was actually more painful than even just becoming a single mother it was.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Oh my gosh this is my life is the scarlet letter. You know within my little suburb community in the Midwest I'm suddenly and actually that phrase hot to trot. You've heard it comes from like the 50s when women started getting more and more divorced, divorced the guys at the barbecues would elbow each other and say oh look at her you know she's Miss Smith now she's hot to trot. So, there is definitely a stigma that comes with being.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Yeah. Did you feel that ever reflected back to you like that sometimes we have fears and then there's that awful moment where you're looking and you're like oh yeah you are perceiving me that way? You are giving off that vibe right?

 

- Jennifer Magley

So as it's really a that's a good question because as a woman of color in a lot of different industries that I've worked and I've just really used to dealing with perceptions that I don't even identify mostly that they're happening. I just think, OK this person doesn't know enough information about me and that's not my default setting because my father is white. My mother is black. So and also the way that I'm being perceived is is highly predicated on this person's point of view. Like where they're coming from what they view me. So that just kind of added another layer to an already set expectation that people have. I think I think.

 

- Jennifer Magley

I've actually heard more comments about the fact that I was married because 80 percent of children of color are born into single mother households. So, there is this perception that I would be and I didn't know that people were perceiving me to be a single mother already. Even when I was married. So I think it was a bit of the reverse awakening of, oh wow I didn't I didn't realize people were seeing me as a single mom even when I was married.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Yeah. Tell me is kind of odd. Tell me a little bit more about that. That the expectations of being single and being a multiethnic background what are what are the different things that you feel like. Oh yeah. People who are like single parenting baseline is hard but if you're a white single mom like you don't actually have to field this sort of stuff.

 

- Jennifer Magley

So, what I can speak to about that is awesome question and very brave question because not everybody wanting to have these kinds of conversations. So, I think in the state of Indiana we are the second worst in regard to the gender pay disparity the wage gap. So, it's something like seventy nine cents on every dollar. That's how much a woman makes in Indiana like we're second worst in the nation. And so what that means is that a woman of color only makes 54 cents. So, the way that plays into my world as a single mother entrepreneur is that I essentially have to work sometimes three or four jobs to make ends meet because I'm statistically not earning that full dollar as opposed to my male counterpart parts or as opposed to people that are of different ethnicities. So the statistics within Indiana make my demo a little bit harder.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Yeah I hear that does it. Do you feel like there is you've built a community of support of like other people that are living this sort of a reality that you're like Oh man I can talk with them about stuff and they just get me in a way?

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah I know. So, it's really interesting it's kind of like belonging to a secret society. Right. And I didn't know that this existed until I became it. So I'm sure and certain with your journey you tell them what you've gone through and if they've been through it you immediately have an understanding just it's right in the eyes. You're like OK we're here. So I feel that way with former student athletes women that played sports in college or professionally. And I also feel that way about single mothers. It's, it's an immediate sisterhood. Now that said it's not always a continual sisterhood because of the demands on our time. So I find that I have very quick intimate connections but then sometimes we're always just going we're just going especially when you have multiple children and you have full custody of them as I do right now and so you know you just you're just going so quickly

 

- Jennifer Magley

And it's hard in general to find people who have been to where you're going and finding that like single mom mentor or that person that you call and say oh my gosh how did you make it? I haven't found her yet but I know there's plenty out there

 

- Liesel Mertes

What are the what are some of the hardest daily moments or like in the rhythm of a week can make you think this is just a particular challenge to being a single mom and an entrepreneur? Yes give us a little window.

 

- Jennifer Magley

So looks like I will break it down with within 24 hours. So I think that I actually wrote a piece about this how I'm calling it the equal time fallacy that people tell you Oh you've got to same 24 hours as fill in the blank you know tycoon or talk show host. And the truth is we don't; we don't have the same 24 hours as other people because we don't have a team of people or even a partner that's 24 hours with you that can do things. So because I have that fallacy

 

- Jennifer Magley

I get up at 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning every day and that's the only time I have where I'm by myself and if I don't get up at that time and do my habits and my rituals. I don't know I just I haven't actually not gotten up at that time during a weekday for years so I get up at four or five get the kids off to school on that bus by 7:40 the other little guy off to his childcare and then I'm just going until the moment I collapse in the bed at 10:00.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 So those challenges are, you know, you've got the stress of being what this male classically male stress of oh well he's gotta provide you know he's, he's stressed out. Let him go off for let him let some steam off. I have that then I have the invisible work that fairplay talks about this new book fair play that's out about the amount of home work life work we have to do at home. I have the invisible work of emotions and having to navigate and go into school and handle everything and raised you know kiddos full time.

 

- Jennifer Magley

So I feel like I have become this hermaphrodite of responsibilities. You know where I've got the demands and responsibility of a man. And but and also supposed to nurture as a woman.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Yeah.

 

- Jennifer Magley

There's so much to juggle in the midst of a given day and starting that day at 5:00 o'clock in the morning with zero guaranteed dollars in my bank account. Right. And that has been something that I'm always transitioning and oscillating between because I mean I say zero guaranteed because when you do your own thing it's not until somebody pays you that it's real. They can sign an agreement. They can say yes come speak in Hong Kong but until you've got that money it's not a real thing until they're all signed on the dotted line.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Right. Yes. You touched on a little bit, but we've talked about ways in which people have been supportive. Mm hmm. The support that you need. How is it changed from those immediate stages of like oh my gosh everything is falling apart right now to a stage right now that's different but I imagine you still need support systems? What does good support look like for you 2019?

 

- Jennifer Magley

So this is not going to be politically correct but when everything first happened there was a woman actually in my neighborhood that had cancer and I thought to myself and then there was another friend of mine who lost her husband and he died and I literally and my self-pity was like, boy they've got it good because in my mind when you had cancer I saw everybody signing up to bring meals and watch the kids and rally for her because she has no strength her hair is falling out and she was receiving some kind of support.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 And then when my other girlfriends husband died. Same thing. They're setting up college funds they're doing go fund me and they're raising all kinds of money for this very sad story of a young mother who lost her husband well when I became a single mom. None of that happened for me and no one rallies in that public way and says, Boy let's set up a fund for these two young children that now have parents that are split up because they, they are thinking well there's some fault here. And I just think that in general sickness and death garner more support initially than anything else so back then the support that meant the most to me was some friends sending me money.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Actually, initially to help me move forward to be able to separate myself and kind of disengage from that unhealthy relationship. And then now what that looks like is just a friendly ear now and then so I can vent and just kind of brainstorm how do I continue to co parent with in this difficult relationship. You know ,for the next, I mean I'd like to say it's only 14 years but we all know that that's not real life. You know you've got. How do you navigate the difficulty of this partnership that's not really a partnership?

 

- Jennifer Magley

So that's challenging. So, it looks different. You know the immediate monetary needs are there. Just as any crisis requires that.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Right. Yeah that's a great point. How some things there, there just seem like more of a universal signal home like, like we should rush in and give care. And there are other things where because of the assumption of blame or because of, oh man that would just be so messy and I don't know who to side with. I'm sure that affects how people show up or how they don't show up.

 

- Jennifer Magley

And to kind of, if I'm looking back and to kind of give a bit more perspective. Yes. In the aftermath of this I have cast myself as the protagonist as we all do. But when I look at it and I say, how did I even end up in this situation where I was married to what I jokingly call my number one hater? It's because I essentially, I think may have been my number one hater. You know someone can't mistreat you unless you think that that's OK.

 

- Liesel Mertes

I'm sure that there is a lot of actual personal work.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Oh my gosh you had that. I think afterwards, I kept dating people and thinking gosh all men are like this. But what was the common factor? Me. So I think that it requires any traumatic event where there's a revelation or separation or death. You kind of think how could I have avoided this?

 

- Liesel Mertes

What is one of the things that you like best about who you are becoming over the last four years?

 

- Jennifer Magley

I'm a completely different person than I used to be and a lot of respects. So, what that tipped off was me actually having a story. So I'm reading a lot and my major was English about what does it mean to create a story and write and essentially nothing happens until your life is disrupted.

 

- Jennifer Magley

The character wakes up in the morning and they don't know that aliens are invading in the afternoon while that doesn't mean anything until you know the backstory of that main character. So, Lisa Kron actually wrote a great book about how to storytelling. So what I realized is that that has this has created my story of my life which requires transformation and the transformation for me has been learning how to represent myself learning more of who I am.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Figuring out how to make magic and, and kind of also figure out how to have leisure and when I say make magic I mean transform. Whether that's consulting or speaking or coaching and how can I fit the need with a service that's being brought to me for that day or for that time and how do I monetize that? How do I maximize every moment that I have? So, it's required me to become a different or better version of myself.

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah, I think you know this show is about disruption than about difficult things in life. And it's really not until we encounter that that all of the things that you believe are tested you know for the longest time. Firs,t how this played into me was my even my relationship with faith and my belief in God and, you know I a lot of these relationships and talk and the United States is about you know how much you love God and how you know prayer is about your, your encounter with God you what you are saying to God.

 

- Jennifer Magley

 Well, when you go through something like this and kind of your air your testimony as it's called within the Christian faith is made a mockery. It's a total joke like my life testimony became almost like a joke. What I've had to do is take a step back and say, you know, what if God it's not about how much we love God what about if it's about how much God loves us unconditionally, how God is always faithful to us in whatever way you can find. What if it's about instead of talking to God if it's about listening?

 

- Jennifer Magley

 So, my prayer life has been over the last few years. Just when I'm waking up at 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning I'm just listening because why do you have to say hey you know this isn't a Santa Claus. And even if you give me what I want look what happened in my life like I got what I wanted and it was a an explosion. So when you don't know what's best for you that's really humbling.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Do you have any words if there's someone listening who is in there really journey with him needing to read script life you know marriage is what they're being confronted with like this was not what I signed up for. What would you offer to someone who's at that place?

 

- Jennifer Magley

Well the first thing I would say is if you are being mistreated. If that is any kind of abuse sexual mental emotional physical and really the first abuse that as women ish we should all be aware of is financial abuse because that's where it starts. Is the money. So, if financial abuse:  know what that looks like. That's anywhere from not having control over your full finances not having your own personal account having to ask for permission to do things. Yeah be aware of that. So, the first thing is if you were in that unhealthy situation get out. The sooner the better get out remove yourself from this situation.

 

- Jennifer Magley

I'm not saying end your relationship or and your marriage but find some space where you can reflect on the events that have been going on in your life. And truly, if there's smoke there's fire. The number one thing is you're going to feel like you are crazy like, I'm crazy to think that or if you're always asking yourself what did I do wrong here. Jeez I keep messing up; I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Well this is the language of someone who doesn't realize they're in an unhealthy relationship because it's not that you are doing necessarily anything wrong.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Yeah and if there's someone listening that they go oh my gosh my my sister or my high school best friend or my uncle they're going through this divorce right. Oh gee it feels so awkward. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to bring it. What are words that you would give to someone who's in that support role?

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah just, so I would say text messages. Just want to let you know I love you because the other thing is is, like as a person on the outside. The last thing you want is for them to call and like vomit on you all the time because that is a tendency for somebody who is coping as they just don't know how to have that internal conversation. A lot of times for me I was like, oh gosh I just need someone to listen. And I would say support them really if you're not wanting to hear all the details set a boundary like I would encourage that person to say I really love you, but during the day I'm working. And can I give you a ring. Like next Wednesday. And just set that firm boundary with that person because they're in a lot of pain. And so, it's OK to tell the person who's hurting no, I think that's another thing that is not encouraged because you're like I'll just be there for them and it's OK to say, like oh no this is going to support you and I want to support you in this way. I appreciate that there is a little different problem. Well there's some there's some good wisdom in that because it's, it's something I can be free. I can be for you in these settings and it makes you available in ways that you can be available right. This is a little nuance.

 

- Liesel Mertes

Is there anything that an employer should specifically in our business to say like this is something to be aware of for single moms and why not?

 

- Jennifer Magley

Yeah. You need to hire them. You need to hire single mothers and here's why they are doing more than you can even begin to imagine. And you always want a busy person to complete the task right. They say recruiting whether it's for a board whether it's for a job like hire a busy person to do it. And I would say just because someone is a single parent because a lot of single dads out there sometimes I feel like they get a few more medals then when they're in the car line and you're like oh he's a single dad it's like how is that sexy I'm a single mom. Come on. And you know like but. But anyways I would say hire them hire the single parent and know that that hire might mean even more than you can fathom because they're going it alone. So I would say hire them.

 

- Liesel Mertes

It's a good word. Any other things that you would like to add that you didn't get a chance to say?

 

- Jennifer Magley

I I think that the biggest, the biggest thing with telling my story is the era that we live in which is the digital age and knowing that every time I tell my story it's possible that it's going to outlive me because it's going to be on the internet and trying to have this sensitivity knowing my son's, well, you know may or may not have their avatars listen to as they you know deal with becoming part robot in the future.

 

- Jennifer Magley

But I think, when they do hear this, I always want to try to have like a sensitivity but also speak my truth because the things that we go through in life. This is a cliché, but they're not just meant for us. You know, think everything you went through you now have a platform and you're sharing to inspire and encourage other people.

 

- Jennifer Magley

I just want to tell anyone that's listening:  don't be ashamed of speaking your truth. Go ahead and know that you have the power to, to share what you believe in because of what you've experienced. People cannot argue with your experience. You can be the expert of your own experience and so that's the one thing that's fascinating is you can say what you believe and people will argue with you but if you share what you've been through. People respect it and connect with it.

 

- Liesel Mertes

That's true. We're made to connect with those stories. Absolutely.

 

MUSICAL TRANSITION

 

This important conversation was sponsored by FullStack PEO.  With experience in payroll and benefits, they take care of your people so you can take care of business. 

 

We are also sponsored by Handle w/ Care HR Solutions.  We all fall down, but empathy coaching through Handle with Care HR Solutions helps you create a community where people survive, stabilize, and thrive after life knocks them down.

 

I come away with many, many takeaways from my conversation with Jennifer, but I will close with just three.

  • Jennifer said that she needed friends that were just available to listen, friends that sent text messages and were present with her as she worked her way through pain. Be that friend…but don’t be afraid to communicate your boundaries.  If it is a difficult time for you to talk, communicate your constraint.  “I’m so sorry that you are going through this and I’m glad you reached out.  However, I’m at work right now and can’t talk. Can I give you a call tomorrow night to hear more?”  A statement like this shows care while still communicating your limitation.
  • Unlike a diagnosis or a death, men and women that go through a divorce often don’t receive an outpouring of support.Friends and coworkers can be afraid of taking sides.  But, divorce can still turn your world upside down and leave you reeling.  So, if you are a friend or a coworker, consider sending a card, writing a check, or bringing a meal.  It could mean so very much. ‘
  • Disruptive life events are universally hard...and they can be even harder if you are part of a minority. Talking with Jennifer widened my perspective in an important way.  As a white woman, there is a lot that I am still learning about what it means to be a part of a minority in America. Jennifer offered us a window into her experience:  the economic hurdles of making less and the social hurdle of people’s assumptions because of her skin color.  I want to keep learning, listening to stories and doing the grinding work of taking a long look at how I make these assumptions and how I help to perpetuate these hurdles in my personal interactions. 

 

OUTRO

 

If you want to learn more about Jennifer, check out her work here: