Aug 6, 2019
Sheri is the Chief Strategy Officer at Gregory & Appel Insurance...and she received news of her breast cancer on her way into a client meeting. In this episode, Sheri tells her story of managing the demands of work, marriage, and parenting in the midst of fighting cancer. Sheri shares her coping mechanism of “putting things on the shelf”, imparts a host of helpful local resources, and reflects on how she now gives support in the workplace as a result of her diagnosis.
– Sheri Alexander
When people are dealing with whatever it is and there are so many life events that can cause pain and heartache and suffering people go radio silent. Some people that would really surprise you can go radio silent and that. And I think people that do that do that for their own reasons. They don't know how or what to say. Make something up.
INTRO
Sheri Alexander is an accomplished woman. She is the Chief Strategy Officer at Gregory & Appel Insurance in Indianapolis and her bio is full of awards and recognition. She sits on a number of boards, is involved in the leadership of a mentoring organization, and is on the Board of Directors for organizations like the Cancer Support Community as well as Komen of Central Indiana. This is because Sheri was diagnosed with breast cancer in the middle of her life. Today, we talk with her about her cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery, and how that journey affected her as a worker, manager, mother, and wife. Sheri offers insights for those going through a cancer diagnosis as well as the community that supports them.
Sheri loves being out on the waters of Geist with her husband. Her love of the water comes from her history as a Florida native. Sheri moved to Indiana after meeting and, eventually, falling in love with her husband, a Hoosier.
– Sheri Alexander
I visited my mom, she had moved back to Indiana right after I finished high school, and I was up visiting her when I met my husband almost 40 years ago. So that explains it.
- Liesel Mertes
Yes. Now do you remember that meeting. Was there anything about him that really impressed you on first meeting?
- Sheri Alexander
Oh that is such a funny question because we both answer it the same way: we didn't particularly care for one another when we first met, but we became very good friends and then we're not quite sure what happened.
Sheri is also a passionate grandmother.
- Sheri Alexander
I like to play with my grandchildren and swim in the pool.
- Liesel Mertes
Wonderful. How old are your grandchildren?
- Sheri Alexander
I have a five year old granddaughter Clara and a 21 month old grandson named Carter.
And an avid reader
- Sheri Alexander
I read a lot. I'm a voracious reader, whether it's for pleasure or professionally, just keeping up on trends and the employee benefit space where I spend a lot of my time it's ever changing and very complicated.
- Liesel Mertes
So and tell us a little bit more about your role at Gregory and Apel.
- Sheri Alexander
Sure. I'm the chief strategy officer, so I spend a lot of time on some key client relationships business development and I serve on advisory boards and other outside boards and just really spend a lot of time just trying to figure out what to do about the health care crisis.
- Liesel Mertes
So have you figured it out?
- Sheri Alexander
I am working on it.
- Liesel Mertes
Tell us tell us when you've got it.
- Sheri Alexander
I know; you will be one of the first to know.
- Liesel Mertes
It is billions of dollars.
- Sheri Alexander
It is. It is. It's very challenging so well.
- Liesel Mertes
And one of the things that we have you here to discuss is your own encounter with disruption in your working life. Could you set the scene for us where you were in life when you got your cancer diagnosis?
- Sheri Alexander
Sure. It was almost 17 years ago I was 43 and I actually, literally, where I was when I got the diagnosis as I was trying to parallel park downtown to go into a venue where we were entertaining about 40 of our clients. It's a place that's no longer in business now but it was like a big arcade bar. You know, we were just doing some socializing with some clients after a conference. And I had had a biopsy you know an abnormal mammogram got the biopsy results. The doctor called my husband who then called me as I was parallel parking and said, You need to call your doctor right back but you have breast cancer.
- Sheri Alexander
And I just kind of put it in park and I said, Well I'm half in this parking space and I can't leave. I have to I have clients to entertain. So, I parked the car called my doctor made the appointment and proceeded to kind of, I call it putting it on the shelf for a few hours, and went in and entertained my clients and
- Liesel Mertes
How were you, how were you able to do that? I'm struck that people in the working world like this is asked of them in a number of different situations. You just received this horrible news. There's like the reality and even the metaphor for being stuck doing this parking and then you have to go in. Were you able to just?
- Sheri Alexander
I actually was. Yeah, I was, you know, I had a couple of choices. I could either put it on the shelf, go in and it actually was a bit of a nice distraction. Kind of postpone, and gave me a little time to subconsciously process before I went home to my family. My daughter was only 15 at the time. And you know, my sweet husband and, you know, they both were just devastated. And so, it was a very emotional evening to say the least when I got home. So it actually, in a way, was that kind of gave me a little buffer between that shock and then the dealing with the emotional side of it.
- Liesel Mertes
Oh yeah. Do you have pretty marked memories of that night when it was to tell your daughter what it was?
- Sheri Alexander
Yeah she, she was terrified. I think, just terrified, but but even more so, I think after the surgery because it was a very quick, quick turnaround from diagnosis to, I had two forms of breast cancer show up in the biopsy because they actually biopsy three spots and two different forms and one was more aggressive. So ,there was really no time to mess around. So, I was in surgery probably within two weeks. And that was when my daughter could, you know, if she was 15 so it was it was very challenging and then you know and recovering from something like that.
- Sheri Alexander
It was about an eight hour surgery all told, because I had reconstruction done at same time and it just that, that wears on you and it impacts your mental stamina. You lose some memory, not permanently, but you just get a little fuzzy. I call it chemo brain. About the anesthesia also you know the longer you're under seems like the tougher it is to kind of get all the cobwebs out. So yeah it was. It was a challenging time but so many blessings came out of it. I mean I know we're recording you can't see this hair. But before, before cancer my hair was sticks straight. It's a blessing that's in by God's love. I have a ton of hair now which I didn't used to have.
- Liesel Mertes
So even as you talk about your daughter and her processing it, I'm, I'm struck that as a parent, you're both managing what's happening in your own body but you're also aware of how this is affecting your child coping. Did that feel like a sort of a dual responsibility to be dealing with your own emotional load and then also helping her with the journey she was walking?
- Sheri Alexander
What I have learned over the years is that cancer is a very unique experience for people and the way one person feels and reacts to it can be very different than another. My approach and the way I truly felt in my heart and still do to this day is I was so grateful it was me because I'm strong. I'm a first-born overachiever, I just go out get it done. You know, I missed very little work. I was probably sending e-mails sooner than I should have been. So, but that's just the way I'm wired. So I was very grateful that I had my family to focus on it kind of took the focus off of myself. But you know, to say that I wasn't terrified would, would not be truthful because it was a very terrifying experience.
- Liesel Mertes
So are you still going and seeing clients and showing up to work?
- Sheri Alexander
Yeah.
- Liesel Mertes
Was that, were you tapping into that capacity again to put things on the shelf?
- Sheri Alexander
Always, that’s what I've done that my entire life though, I mean, that's how I think that, at least for me, you know I've I'm fortunate to be married to my best friend. So things I need to talk through, I can talk through with him. I was very, very close with my mother; I'm very close with my daughter. So again, I have a great support system surrounding me all the time I have to just you know being able to put one foot in front of the other. I have this mental shelf and that's where if I can't do anything about it right now there's nothing I can do then I stick it on the shelf until I have time to pull it down you know and figure out what to do with it.
- Liesel Mertes
So, for some people when they have a capacity to put things on the shelf things can stay there indefinitely.
- Sheri Alexander
That's not healthy. Yeah.
- Liesel Mertes
So, for you mentally there with this, there is this movement in your personality to say, for now when you put it there. Did you purposefully think a different moment, OK, this is the time where I'm now going to my sadness might overwhelm or when?
- Sheri Alexander
I did a lot of my thinking about it like commuting because I live pretty far out in the suburbs and commuted to downtown. And yeah, that's, you know a good 40 minute drive each way. You have lots of time to kind of process and then suck it up buttercup and go get it done. So that's kind of the way I operated.
- Liesel Mertes
As you think about what moment you felt most weak or most vulnerable, even in the midst of being a high achiever and doing that, what did that moment look like for you?
- Sheri Alexander
I think just the thought that outside chance that I wouldn't be around to watch my daughter grow up. Yeah I knew my husband could sally forth but you know my daughter was at an age where she needed Mama. And lord knows now that she's got those grandbabies, we are just thick as thieves so it's, you know, just the thought of having that cut short and that was pretty early in the process. But then you know I, my prognosis was very good.
- Sheri Alexander
I mean, if you're gonna get breast cancer Indianapolis is one of the best places to get it. Because we have amazing physicians here. Amazing. And you know we're just right on top of the new and emerging medicine. And you know since my escapade I think I'll call it. I had a dear friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer and the treatment that they were able to do for her wasn't even available at the time for me and it's just you know it's amazing it's just rapidly advancing.
- Sheri Alexander
I will say that you know when I look back on that time there are so many resources in our community for people who are dealing with this whether as a patient or a child or a caregiver it just there are so many resources that I think would have been really beneficial had I known about them.
- Sheri Alexander
So I've kind of been on a little mission to spread the word on what are some of the best resources. Oh my gosh. Wow. Little Red Door Cancer Agency for example. They, they catered to folks who have financial need and they do everything from getting people to appointments to providing nutritional supplements wigs for women who've lost their hair and prosthetic fittings. You know during the Breast Cancer Awareness Week they hang bras outside a building at 18th the and it's fantastic.
- Sheri Alexander
You know I fortunately had great insurance and a great support system. But you know another firm that another not for profit that is amazing is Cancer Support Community of Central Indiana. They are fantastic
- Liesel Mertes
They're fantastic.
- Sheri Alexander
I've been on their board for a long, long time and they just do amazing work, you know from pitch-in suppers to all these support groups for people wherever they are in the journey. I've actually sat in on several of these support groups over the years and you know I've been with people who aren't with us anymore and it's just amazing. And you know, we have a youth group a Cancer Support Community now for the children of you know whose parents have had cancer and it's just invaluable battling is so beautiful.
- Liesel Mertes
It is the invitation of the space and the classmates angle.
- Sheri Alexander
They're amazing. And then, of course, you know breast cancer is what I'm so passionate about having a daughter and granddaughter and you know Komen central Indiana you know 75 percent of every dollar they raised goes into research right here so it you know it's a granting agency and it gives money back to folks who make a difference and it just great resources when you talk about being the person who is diagnosed with breast cancer and saying I was strong I was able to still accomplish a lot.
- Liesel Mertes
So, is there anything that you feel people who have not experienced either cancer or a breast cancer diagnosis, as common misconception that people have about their journey?
- Sheri Alexander
That it's, that it's a horrible thing because so much good actually does come out of it. And I've been able to help so many women and organizations with fundraising and such and it there's just a lot of good that comes out of it and probably the most impactful thing for me personally was learning not to sweat the small stuff because it's all small stuff. And I, my thought bubble above my head, you know what that's like. We all have one. It's not unusual for the words really. To be up there and, and a common phrase I use as well if that's the worst thing that happens to us today we are golden. So you kind of get an attitude shift and that's a real positive that comes out of it because when you're you know driven especially you know working mother and you're trying to be all that and do all things for everybody you kind of lose sight of the big picture sometimes.
- Liesel Mertes
Were there things in your workplace that you felt like it was important for your manager or your co-workers to know about you or to step in to support you in the midst?
- Sheri Alexander
- I was. That's a good question. I was very open with my diagnosis and kept my friends, family and co-workers apprised of how things were progressing and what I just asked of them was to just I'm still me treat me the same. I'm still me. There's anything you want to know ask me. Don't act funny around me. I mean, I was wonderful at the time I reported to someone who gave me very broad flexibility to do what I needed to do and to work in a way that I could get my job done that where I could still keep my energy and if I needed to do client meetings, I could stay home in the morning and then go to the client meetings and so it had a lot of support. But it's very important; I know a lot of folks don't have that privilege.
– Liesel Mertes
In the midst of people who were supportive and who met you well, if in the most ideal setting, if you think when I was going through cancer this is what I would have wanted from my workplace. What would you have wanted?
- Sheri Alexander
Well I actually had a very good scenario at my workplace, so I would say it would be great if everybody had the ability to be flexible where and when they work, especially when they're dealing with something that's physically draining like any kind of chemo whether it's oral or infusion and just supportive co-workers. I love the, the meal train though. That's a great idea that we didn't do that back then that that just wasn't something that was common. That would have been awesome. Have food brought over. I mean we had a few people do it. But you know in more recent years we've actually gotten organized for people at work and people have shifts and it just takes that burden.
- Liesel Mertes
You always need to eat. Yeah.
- Sheri Alexander
I know and my husband worked a lot of hours back then it would have been great to have somebody offer to help cut the grass and stuff like that that things that I would typically pick up the slack on if he was working or out of town and just little things to help.
- Liesel Mertes
Is there anything that stands out. I'm like, oh man this is stupid stuff that people say to people with cancer or that individual really missed me…is there anything that comes to mind?
- Sheri Alexander
I think it's more like, when people are dealing with whatever it is and there are so many life events that can cause pain and heartache and suffering people go radio silent. Some people that would really surprise you can go radio silent and that, and I think people that do that do that for their own reasons. They don't know how or what to say. Make something up. Shoot a note drop a card something so they don't think you've forgotten about them because I think that you really, you learn her your true friends are when you go through crises like that.
- Liesel Mertes
Has it altered the way that you feel like you encountered people when they go through a hard time?
- Sheri Alexander
Absolutely. I have changed. That's a great question and it is so spot on, I am, I am conscious. I make sure I am reaching out. Phone call, email. What can I do to help? I don't ever say anything like, "Oh well it'll get better" or, "Oh, I know how you feel." If I don't know how they feel but is it's more what can I do to help you. What do you need? How can I help? Yeah, send flowers pick flowers drop them off. You don't have to spend a lot of money have to be president really tangible things that make a big difference. Yeah. Yeah.
- Liesel Mertes
Are there any other general words or thoughts, either from your perspective as someone who works in the benefits space thinking about how to care for employees well or does that out of your own managerial experience that you think, Yeah. I'd like to offer this to listeners who are added going through hard times or managing people in the midst of it?
- Sheri Alexander
Well, I think the work that that you're undertaking is it's very intriguing to me, especially from my perspective, because I think folks, anybody, whether you're a manager or a co-worker or an employee of a manager who is going through something it would be nice to kind of have a roadmap of Best Practices and, other than calling EAP. You know, I mean, that tends to be kind of the status quo. We have an EAP and you get so many face to face visits while a lot of stuff happens between that event and when they may even get to talk to somebody about the EAP and there are lots of opportunities for those awkward moments and you know how to how do we how do we better address that in a way that's comfortable and safe for people.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah I think that's good. And I obviously resonate with the sentiment.
Here are three closing thoughts after talking with Sheri.
- If you or someone you care about is dealing with a cancer diagnosis, look for support organizations in your community.If you live in Central Indiana, Little Red Door Cancer agency can help those in need of financial assistance with things like getting to appointments, wigs, and prosthetics. The Cancer Support Community runs a center with support classes, cooking demonstrations, and a yoga studio. The Komen Center hosts events and donates portions of every dollar raised. These are just some of the resources available that we have linked in the show notes and our website.
- As Sheri put it, don’t go radio silent. Do something. Perhaps you worry about what to do or say to someone who is going through cancer. You don’t have to have all the answers, a card or a note, some flowers, or simply a statement like, “I am sorry that you are going through this” communicates a great deal of care.
- As Sheri worked throughout her cancer treatment, it was helpful for her to “put things on the shelf” until she had to time to process them with her family and her support network. She also worked through some of those emotions on the way to work. This is one way that people deal with difficult emotions. If someone does not want to talk extensively about their cancer during a particular day, they may be putting those emotions on the shelf for the time being. If that is the case, allow them the space to not discuss their cancer.
OUTRO
Resources mentioned:
- Little Red Door Cancer Agency: https://www.littlereddoor.org
- Komen of Central Indiana: https://komencentralindiana.org/
- Cancer Support Community of Central Indiana: http://cancersupportindy.org/