Dec 23, 2019
And at the end of the day it felt like these are the people I spent 50 hours a week with. I was in the office seven something every morning always wanting to do my best for the people I worked with. And at the end of the day I left and only heard from one person ever again. And these were my friends for years. The people I spent the majority of my life with
INTRO
Today’s episode is sponsored by FullStack PEO. You are a small company, an entrepreneur that has just hired your first staff and you have big plans for 2020. Let FullStack take care of your benefits so you can take care of growing your company.
On Handle with Care, in some interviews, we get to hear about companies that care well: the manager that comes with a hug and encouragement, the employees that struggle but come out better on the other side. This is not one of those stories.
My guest is Jennifer Merrell. Jennifer is a hard driving achiever who gets sick. Her illness is prolonged, mysterious. She gets sicker and sicker. There are misunderstandings and deeply painful misses before the sad collapse.
But before we get into that story, a little more about Jennifer. Jennifer loves to climb and to hike, particularly down in Clifty Falls, where she would travel each year with her boys.
Jennifer Merrell
Outside of work I spend a lot of time I try to work out so I'm also a certified pilates instructor so I try to substitute teach pilates where I can.
Life is busy, helping to chauffer her 16 year old between track and orchestra
Jennifer Merrell
Yes. I feel like I drive for work every day whether I'm on the road going to one of our members locations or I'm driving downtown to our main office and then I come home and I drive some more.
When she is not driving, Jennifer works at Techpoint.
Jennifer Merrell
Techpoint’s role is to accelerate the growth of technology as an industry sector in the state of Indiana. I manage our university members and about 17 corporate mid-sized tech and tech enabled companies. And our role is basically to connect them to one another to do business or to collaborate to share best practices to connect
– Liesel Mertes
So what we wanted to discuss today was within that professional journey whether at Tech point or previous to it you had some disruptions with your health that led to some major detours and kind of unexpected twists and turns in the path. Tell me a little bit about some of the disruptions that your health had and how it affected your professional development.
- Jennifer Merrell
Sure. I've had it in reality probably three major health disruptions. One in my thirties read horrible stomach pains and all kinds of problems with that for several years.
Those pains continued and found a culmination in a dramatic, life-threatening encounter with a crab lobster roll in Omaha. Jennifer went into anaphylactic shock on the street and was later diagnosed with a profound gluten allergy. Jennifer then went on to have female bleeding problems, which led to a tremendous loss of blood.
Her life and work are affected for a couple of years. Jennifer can’t go to the gym or sit through long meetings without having an embarrassing problem. It is uncomfortable to talk about to male coworkers and managers and is emotionally and physically stressful. Finally, she has a hysterectomy
- Jennifer Merrell
Now I'm in a leadership position and fast forward three four years and things are going pretty swimmingly along.
- Jennifer Merrell
But I started you know if we look backwards I probably was very sick for many many many years and maybe these things contributed maybe they didn't. The doctor says they don't but I'm like I don't know. There's a lot of things in there. And if you talk to my therapist she'll tell me that's all stress related.
At the close of 2017, she starts to feel suddenly weak, out of breath. She loses weight all at once and her hair starts to fall out. Dark circles appear under her eyes.
- Jennifer Merrell
I had hit my leg with my car door in the parking lot at Kroger actually and made like a little slice and it just had not gotten better it was still real dark. It wasn't a scab anymore. It is real dark and weird.
My knuckles were really dark to the point that one of my friends said What is wrong with your hand. And it's like I don't know maybe it's always been that way. So this strange thing with strange things happening.
- Liesel Mertes
Give us a little bit of a context. You mentioned stress as a contributing factor. What did your pace of life look like?
- Jennifer Merrell
Hard and fast hard and fast. So I probably I was in a relationship that wasn't probably very healthy for me but probably not necessarily recognizing that at the time I was working a lot because I really wanted to perform I was a high achiever in and in our culture we tend to equate high achieving with working a lot right.
- Jennifer Merrell
Are you busy. Yeah. Are you busy. I'm busy and busy and busy and we tend to reward or think there's importance attached to being very very busy. I wanted to achieve.
- Jennifer Merrell
I wanted to make more money I wanted to have more title I was running two kids around still and I was trying to be supermom. I wanted to be at all their events I wanted to volunteer I was a teen mom for the soccer team and doing travel soccer and my other son was in Boy Scouts and I wanted to go on a few camp out every year and help volunteer at all the meetings and trying to put it all in. So I would say like on a Tuesday I would go to work.
- Jennifer Merrell
I would pick up my younger son. Actually this is this is the sad part. I would go to work and I had a high school girl I paid to take my younger son to soccer. I would go to the soccer field and I would watch practice. I would pick him up I would pick up a sandwich on the way and have him eat and change his clothes into his boys got uniform pick up my older son take them both the Boy Scouts I would go run two or three miles while they were at Boy Scouts then come back pick him up now it's nine 15 nine thirty go home help them with homework clean up the house catch up on any work go to bed.
Her fingers and toes are turning blue and, at this point, she is down to 100 pounds. She goes to the doctor, who thinks that this could be manifestations of depression after her break-up.
– Jennifer Merrell
I said well I'm sad about that breakup and I said I know I'll get over that and I'm not depressed because I know these are all symptoms of depression. So she put me on antidepressants and the first one made me want to kill myself literally I called her I said I want to kill myself every day this is not OK.
The mystery continues; Jennifer cycles through three different anti-depressants and is going to physical therapy for the strange spasms in her legs.
- Jennifer Merrell
So I am now missing a tremendous amount of work I'm at a doctor's office every two weeks I'm in physical therapy twice a week and I'm seeing a mental therapist every two weeks.
– Liesel Mertes
And how did that communication go with your workplace? What were you sure. Were you saying I'm depressed. I just needed to. How much are you letting them in or not?
- Jennifer Merrell
Not a whole lot. They definitely knew something was going on and I was definitely articulating that. I'm tired I'm weak. And by now I'm shutting off my light at lunch time and I'm taking a nap on the sofa in my office. Because everybody's lunch because I'm exact I cannot stay awake.
- Jennifer Merrell
I can't focus so my work product is definitely suffering but I'm trying so hard. I mean it was it was so mentally anguishing how how hard I was trying to do well you know trying to still succeed in the box by which we define success in the box by which people were used to me achieving.
- Liesel Mertes
So yeah. How did it feel to be tried so hard but to still feel like you were not producing the way.
- Jennifer Merrell
It was horrible. That made me cry.
- Jennifer Merrell
It was horrible it felt like I was failing at life where I had always succeeded at life. I was used to being the star performer right and I was failing and I was doing everything I could not to the pressure was mounting. I was too tired to attend my son's track meets.
It was really it was really horrible. I really and I really did feel like I was dying but I'm gonna beat this right because I I when I beat things I overcome them whatever the problem is I solve it but yet I'm seeing all of these medical care providers and no solution is coming.
Jennifer had planned to take her boys to Paris for spring break. It was a trip she had promised to her now-senior-in-high-school son when he was in 8 grade. She had saved and planned and, despite her deteriorating health, she felt like she could not miss the trip.
She pukes all the way up to Chicago, trying to multitask on the road. She is tired over those first days, but soldiering on.
– Jennifer Merrell
We start walking down the Champ de Elysees and I go wow I don't feel very good. And we sit down on a bench and I vomit literally all over my shoes which began a very very rapid decline. So after that I struggled for us to get to the train. My kids were sort of holding me up. What do I do now? I'm in France and I've got two kids with me and I've got to survive.
She ends the trip in a wheelchair and, when Jennifer arrives Stateside, she has set up an appointment with a new doctor.
– Jennifer Merrell
Two days later I was in Dr. Tara Land’s office with community health systems and she looked at me and she goes, “What's going on?”.
- Jennifer Merrell
And I said I am dying something inside me is killing me. And she looked at me and the first thing she said is I believe you. And she started looking along over she was I believe you and I need you to go to the emergency room right now.
Maybe it was a stomach bug? She gets treated and goes home after some days in the hospital. Jennifer goes back to work and returns for more blood work.
– Jennifer Merrell
She the nurse called me. You're gonna love this. She says we need to go the emergency room right now and we're looking your blood work and I said I don't have time I've missed too much work. It was evident to me that there was a general unhappiness for quite a while in my office with maybe my work product but probably my lack of being there and how sick I was.
But she deos go back to the hospital. Her blood pressure is troublesome and her heart is struggling. There are biopsies and chest x-rays.
- Jennifer Merrell
They ran tests all night. The next morning I really thought when I went to bed that night I was not getting up. I said goodbye to my kids. I had seen my mother. I had not seen my dad but I was so out of it my brain was completely gone but the next morning they gave me the shot and it was like a computer turned on.
The shot that Jennifer got was of cortisol. Because the doctor’s had diagnosed her with Addison’s Disease.
[00:47:48.130] Most people have heard of it just because JFK had it that was it revealed after his death. But it's a very rare disease where basically your brain sends way too many wrong signals to your adrenal glands
Addison’s Disease is an immune reaction that can be triggered.
– Jennifer Merrell
And what it does is it destroys your adrenal gland the outside of your adrenal glad which makes the cortisol. Some people damages it. Mine was so far it's destroyed so don't make any cortisol on my own at all. And people you know they see commercials cortisol makes you fat. No no cortisol controls your blood pressure regulates your kidneys regulate your metabolism allows you to balance your salt and your water in your body. So I can't maintain any of that on my own or I will die. And it's called in Addison’s crisis and it can be triggered by stress mentally physically emotionally.
- Liesel Mertes
And what is the treatment. You mentioned getting an injection.
- Jennifer Merrell
So they injected me with cortisol straight up cortisol. So now the good part is to maintain this to stay alive is pretty easy and cheap.
- Liesel Mertes
Did you see, immediately start to feel improvement?
- Jennifer Merrell
It took a while. And actually the doctor and this is this is the next interesting part she said you need to take four or five months off of life.
- Jennifer Merrell
And accordingly she goes no working no working out. She goes I want you to lay around and we should be lazy because what your body has been through probably for years you know it's basically everything was failing in my body. I mean it was a full body failure inside outside everything. So I felt very, very weak for quite a while. It was almost like learning to walk again. I had to just walk to the mailbox first then I walk down the street. It took a long time. This is all weird things that still happen.
- Jennifer Merrell
So it's been a year and a half. But she said take four or five months off. Right. So the next thing I did was go to work because you know that's what you do.
- Liesel Mertes
Why did you go to work?
- Jennifer Merrell
Because I felt like I would lose my job if I didn't. So that leads to your single mom. You have had all of this unexplained stuff. You've taken a trip you've needed to take time off. What was the implicit workplace norms or culture that you felt you needed to live into. You can't miss work. You just can't. You but has to be in that seat.
- Liesel Mertes
How was that said to you explicitly or, or how did you come to internalize that we can't have you out of the office this much another person in leadership actually.
- Jennifer Merrell
Guys what was it that person said to me because it was really stuck with me for a long time. I can't believe I'm going blank right now. It was said.
- Jennifer Merrell
Oh I actually had somebody tell me to get my shit together, like verbatim. You need to get your shit together. We also had somebody say I also had somebody come to me and say you know we all have things that happen to us in life. I have a thyroid problem. So you just need to get over it. And it was like not at all the same situation.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah in real time so like you're hearing this how, how do you feel and what you saying that I'm hearing this a few days out of the hospital?
- Jennifer Merrell
So I actually I went back to work like he did. I was allowed to work some of the time in the office some time at the office and I did that for about three weeks and then I really felt like this is this is it's clearly becoming a problem. There were people that were actually being sort of angry to me. I was also told that they're trying to build a business here we don't have time for this. Yeah we're trying to run a business. We don't have time for this.
- Liesel Mertes
And what did people's anger, how were you perceiving that? Was it spoken?
– Jennifer Merrell
Yeah it was spoken. It was spoken. Yeah. Well first of all not being able to produce any cortisol for likely several months leaves you only producing adrenaline which is what creates fight or flight. So the only physiological reaction my body allowed was fight or flight. So there legitimately I probably was being reactionary. I probably was being defensive at times. So there is a fault of mine in there. Now I do have a legitimate reason. I actually did not have the hormones that allow you to handle things appropriately at all.
- Jennifer Merrell
It was a burden to the rest of the company for me to be out. That was what was said. It's a burden to the rest of the company for you to be out
- Liesel Mertes
Did you feel like there was a foundation of organizational trust that you could call back on or even prior to this what sort of an environment that felt safe or unsafe was present.
- Jennifer Merrell
Well that particular culture was definitely not one of trust. And then then there was there was an ongoing joke within the organization for several years after I started several years that well I'm going on vacation this week. Every time I go on vacation they fire the person in that seat prior to me. Nobody had really been in that seat more than a couple years. So there was always sort of this feeling that it was temporary in the eyes of upper management.
– Liesel Mertes
Anyways when I hear there's that organizationally there was a particular culture that was in existence that corruption and disruptive life event did come. It did not make you feel like you were operating from a place of safety or support in general in general in general.
- Jennifer Merrell
And then as I got sicker and lost the ability to be anything but fearful I think that that initial experience coming in and that cultural that awareness of that cultural peace in there I think was amplified. Mm hmm. And yes. Yeah. So I do not I have. And reality was I had already missed a lot of work and I was not performing at my best. How how how does an employer accommodate that in a small business? I'm sure it was a burden. I don't have the right answer.
- Liesel Mertes
So you mentioned anecdotally but just in a mental level what are some of the biggest ways that you feel like you were missed in your work environment or in your support community as a whole. There you go. This was just really painful.
- Jennifer Merrell
I was extremely loyal extremely loyal and that sort of thought process for me now is gone. I will probably not quite feel that way again about an employer because of that experience because I felt like at the end of the road even though they did make some accommodations for me for sure I felt like at the end of the day somebody who has worked that hard and been that loyal I just felt like some of the things said to me about you know getting your act together and you know you being gone is a burden to this company. Things like that are very hurtful to somebody who's really giving it their heart and who already feels like out of control.
- Liesel Mertes
So were there things that other your workplace or people in your community did that were really helpful and beneficial that you were like this was a this stands out as something that was really meaningful and there was silence.
- Jennifer Merrell
You know I think I think the biggest helpful now you know I actually there's a lot of things like I think about like you know we would have a client have a baby or be sick and we would send them card and everybody would sign it. And I was there literally on my deathbed. No I heard from them as have they figured it out yet. When do you think you way back. Nobody sent a card…
- Liesel Mertes
That sounds disappointing.
- Jennifer Merrell
This sounds you know I had some friends by myself. It's really sad. Well I think what it was was an epiphany. That you are an employee if you're in a company that thinks of you as more than that. That's awesome. Congratulations. I think that's gonna be a rarity because at the end of the day you were there to produce something for them and when you can no longer produce it they will question your value and as an employee that feels like they're questioning your worth as a person. Now maybe I lost my worth as an employee. That's you know I get that you know they're they're trying to work. Dollars and cents.
This is a business. I get it. But to actually be told I've got a business to run. Don't have time for this. Is very heartbreaking when you think you know what. I've got a family to run. I've got kids to feed. I don't have time to be sick. And that's kind of how I treated that illness is I have time to be sick. My family doesn't have time. My employer sure as heck doesn't have time now. Could they have done better. Yeah. Could I have done it better. Yeah. An earlier diagnosis the right doctor. A million puzzle pieces that have to fall into the right order.
– Liesel Mertes
I hear you the pain of that and and the shadow that that experience can create. As to how you want to engage or not engage in our actions towards each other have powerful effects especially in this moment of crisis.
– Jennifer Merrell
Yeah I felt like the people I worked with were my friends. And at the end of the day it felt like these are the people I spent 50 hours a week with. I was in the office seven something every morning always wanting to do my best for the people I worked with. And at the end of the day I left and only heard from one person ever again. And these were my friends for years. The people I spent the majority of my life with more than my family more than my personal friends.
I spent them with my work peers. And at the end of the day and maybe it's because they didn't understand what was happening with me. They didn't know how to handle it. But felt like you weren't cared about as a person. You have now lost your worth. And especially when you are that tied to your job and care that much about and do a good job and care that much about the success of the company when you are no longer able to do it at the the way they expect to ahead or was used to even if it's gonna be temporary. To find out that that's all that mattered to them. Think really was disheartening because to be honest with you I've worked several places and that's the only place that I left and felt like I was rejected by a group of friends when you felt like you were trying so hard to do everything you could. I was trying to do everything well even though I knew I wasn't. And I was trying to get better at the same time. Ultimately I needed to take that time off but I truly felt my job was in jeopardy.
I think that here's, here's the answer. I think that if that employer would have been able to say to me I know you have to take this time off and I'm going to make you take this time off and we're gonna figure out some way that you can still pay your mortgage and feed your children during this time.
I hear that and I feel like if my employer maybe maybe would have sat down and said let's brainstorm some options. I don't want you to be afraid to throw anything out there you know I know you're coming from a place of fear right now. I know you're scared but I also know you've been here a really long time you've done a great job and I know you can't do that right now.
– Jennifer Merrell
The reality is when a life crisis comes along that your employer is unfamiliar with whether it's a rare disease or just something they've just not had any experience with. It's scary for them to I had that empathy but your employer has to realize it's terrifying for the employee
- Liesel Mertes
And they're in a position of they're in a position of power. It's an imbalance of power.
- Jennifer Merrell
It's an imbalance of power and that just drives fear.
- Liesel Mertes
It does to you have you in fact. Yeah. Those were lots of words of insight you have any additional words of insight that you would say to a younger version of yourself or that you would say to someone who is maybe going through something similar Wow.
- Jennifer Merrell
I think. To be honest with you I'd say cover your own ass. They'd be my experience as an employee as you figure out how to cover your own ass because I didn't and I didn't because I felt like I wanted to be completely honest and upfront about everything but who I wasn't honest and upfront with was myself I wasn't honest about how sick I was to myself and I wasn't honest about needing to take that time off in order to get better to myself. You that's that, that would be my advice then to an employee.
- Liesel Mertes
Is there anything else that you did not get a chance to say that you would like to add?
- Jennifer Merrell
Well I mean I don't I don't want to say anything bad about a previous employer at all because there's so much more good than bad. So many more good things than bad. As I stated there's issues on my side and the other side and I don't think that that's unique to any one company. I think that this happens many, many places and I think it's really a couple things. I think it's lack of knowledge lack of trust lack of communication and lack of empathy. I think that employers they have got to produce and make money and revenue to pay bills. This is this is a fact right. These, these wheels all have to turn and every employee has a wheel they're turning.
- Jennifer Merrell
And when one is down it messes up the system. That's a reality. But somewhere in there there has to be a space for empathy because we are not just worker robots numbers on a page. Line items on your balance sheet. These are people and at the end of the day we all die and that money is gone. The company may come and go. Products come and go services come and go.
- Jennifer Merrell
At the end of the day when people are stealing you're talking about you. Do you want them to talk about how much money you made? How much impact you made to the economy? How big your house was or do you want to talk about how much you cared about the people around you?
MUSICAL TRANSITION
Here are three takeaways that emerge from Jennifer’s story.
- Is the right answer, in Jennifer’s words, “to cover your ass” as an employee?I hope not. Yet, her response makes sense, based on her experiences within a company culture. Which comes to my first take-away. Your culture matters! What kind of a culture have you created? Culture has to be purposefully shaped during times of stability so you have something to offer in times of disruption. If not, your employees will be exist in a sort defensive crouch, perpetually covering their collective asses because they don’t believe you have their back. And your business will never ultimately thrive when your employees don’t believe you have their best interests in mind.
- FMLA can be hard.It is difficult for an employee to have the resources to take six months off of work while still paying expenses. Some companies have a philanthropic outreach that exists for these situations. What sort of resources, if any, do you have in place to help employees as they face the prospect of being off of work for an extended amount of time?
- Disruptive life events are messy.As Jennifer acknowledged, there were mistakes the company made, there were mistakes that she made. Both the company and Jennifer were facing tremendous uncertainty as a result of her illness. But, the company exists as the more powerful partner. And this means that they way the choose to treat someone, regardless of outcome, has an outsized influence. Whether you decide to keep someone or let them go, do you make sure that they are being treated with respect and care?
I close with a thanks to our sponsor, FullStack PEO, where they care about people and are proficient with benefits and to Handle with Care Consulting, where we train your managers to give support when it matters most.
OUTRO