Sep 29, 2019
Disruptive life events linger; they cast a long shadow. Years afterwards, you can still be surprised by sadness or fear. Magnus knows about living with pain and uncertainty; his sister died when he was just one year old and his younger brother has needed multiple heart surgeries. Magnus shares about how pain can bring us closer to people, what kids really want from their parents, and how a note or a song can be a powerful gift to those experiencing sadness.
– Magnus Mertes
He was born at Methodist but he had heart troubles so they had to quickly get him over to Riley because Methodist never had the equipment. So he was taken into Riley Children's Hospital, I remember when I heard about it I felt a little shaky inside and I thought, am I going to lose another sibling?
INTRO
Today, we finish our three-week miniseries on childhood disruption. Over the last two episodes, we have considered how disruption particularly affects children. By extension, we are also talking about the adults that care for them. If a parent goes through disruption, whether that is a divorce or a move or a death, they are also interpreting and explaining and shepherding their child. I know, from my own story, how important and exhausting this role can be.
I hope that these reflections help in three potential ways.
- They help you better companion the children in your life that have experienced or are right now experiencing disruption.If you don’t remember, childhood can be hard. There are scraped knees and neighborhood bullies. Someone is always deciding when you go to bed and what you have to eat for dinner. Now, factor in a divorce or a cancer diagnosis. It can all feel pretty overwhelming, for both kids and adults.
- These episodes help you show more empathy to friends and coworkers that are parenting children through seasons of disruption.These adults are not only managing their own sadness and exhaustion, they have little people that are looking to them for direction and guidance…and that is a really particular burden to carry.
- Maybe these reflections help you to encounter your own childhood disruptions through a different light, to reflect on the ways that you were met or missed and how that empathy (or lack of empathy) might still be affecting you now.
Magnus Mertes is my guest today. Magnus was only seventeen months old when his younger sister, Mercy Joan, was born. Mercy had a birth defect called an encephalocele, the base of her skull did not close and she only lived for eight days. Magnus held Mercy, stroked her face, and ate bananas at her funeral. A few years later, a younger brother, Moses, was born. Moses has had to undergo multiple open heart surgeries over the last five years. Magnus talks about what it has been like to live under this shadow of death in today’s episode.
Magnus loves to laugh. He is a good friend, creative, sporty, he loves to draw and tells a great story.
- Liesel Mertes
So tell me a little bit about yourself.
- Magnus Mertes
So I'm Magnus and I have had a little sister pass away, great Uncle pass away. Yeah I've had some kind of hard things throughout my life.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah you have. And we're going to talk about some of that today. But how about you tell me a little bit just about you as a 9 year old. What are the things that you really like?
- Magnus Mertes
Well my favorite sports are football and soccer and my favorite book series is Lord Of The Rings and I really like playing outside and being with family.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. You do. What grade are you in this year?
- Magnus Mertes
I'm in fourth grade, Miss Wilson's class.
- Liesel Mertes
And tell us about what's coming up this week that's really exciting for you.
- Magnus Mertes
This week is my very first track meet and it is also my birthday.
- Liesel Mertes
You mentioned you've had a couple of hard things happen. Tell me about your little sister, Mercy.
- Magnus Mertes
So when my sister was born, and she was three and I was 1, my mom got pregnant and I felt so excited like, I was going to have a little sister. But then, when the diagnosis came in that she would have some troubles, I just felt really down because I didn't want her to die. And when she was born, I felt so happy and I thought, oh she's going to live through this. She is. And I only got a short time with her, only eight days, and then she passed away in my mother's arms at my grandma's house yeah.
- Liesel Mertes
Do you remember much about how you were feeling at that stage or how you feel as you remember it now?
- Magnus Mertes
I feel right now, You feel sad because I really would have liked her to have been here, no offense my little sister Jemima, but I felt like I would have liked to have another sister in the house
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah I know that it affected some of how you've thought about death. Could you tell us a little bit more about that?
- Magnus Mertes
Yeah I was kind of affected the, I feel like when we die when I feel like you go up to heaven and there's just this blooming city of gold. And when I was little I used to imagine that I would meet Abraham Lincoln there yeah.
- Magnus Mertes
I also really. Why. The thought of how we're going to be made again made me feel really good inside and made me feel cozy.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. What. Tell me a little bit about Moses and what has happened with him and how that has made you feel.
- Magnus Mertes
Well, Moses. I always wanted a little brother, one I could play with. And when I saw him for the first time, I just, went over and just couldn't keep my eyes off him and I thought my head, This is my little brother now. But he was born at Methodist but he had heart troubles so they had to quickly get him over to Riley because Methodist never had the equipment. So he was taken into Riley Children's Hospital remember when I heard about it I felt a little shaky inside and I thought, am I going to lose another sibling?
- Magnus Mertes
But I felt really great when his doctor, Ben Ross, felt really great that they were able to do they're able to take out one of his organs and replace it with a cow organ. And now we kind of joke around like he's the only person in family whose 1 percent cow.
- Liesel Mertes
This is an ongoing joke in the family. And, in the interest of accuracy, Moses’ doctor is actually the immensely talented Dr. John Brown at Riley Children’s Hospital. He pioneered this procedure called a bovine tricuspid valve. Basically, a particular valve is harvested from the neck of a cow and is now keeping Moses alive. Hence, he is “part cow”.
- Liesel Mertes
We do joke about that. Are there things that have scared you or made you worried about getting sick or dying? What has that been like?
- Magnus Mertes
So, one time I got a concussion and I felt like really, really, really scared because sometimes, concussions can be fatal. They can damage your brain in all sorts of ways and there's this famous boxer who died of concussion. And I was so scared at that time.
- Magnus Mertes
Other times. On Memorial Day 2018, there's a huge log that was on the White River that just toppled over and like it was stuck there and I decided since it was making all these rapids and we were getting blown away by them in front of the log. I decided to go up around the back and float down and have a little bump fall and get pushed away. But what happened was when I got there right next to the log about a meter away I got sucked under by an undertow and I was just sucking, sucking, sucked and my life jacket that neared on a branch. Those like factor for about three seconds and my mind was, I was thinking, OK I'm going to drown, I'm going to drown, a minute I'm good I'm going to drown. But then what happened, it was like a miracle because that part snagged ripped off, that was pushed the way that my life jacket cause you know how they are, they pop you right up. Once I got out of the undertow about, 14 seconds later, I popped back up and I felt so relieved. But then I heard I saw of it. My older sister Ada and her friend, Scout's, face. They were like so worried and I went over and I said, What's wrong? They said Moses followed you. He got sucked under. And then I thought, Oh no no no no. This almost happened to him, he almost just died when he was a little boy. He almost died. I don't want him to die; I don't want my little brother to die. And he was under for about thirty two seconds after that and I felt so, so scared they drowned. Then finally, the same thing happened to him. It snared and then he popped right back up and I felt so, so overwhelmed with joy and happiness and relief that he didn't drown. And I just felt like God did the miracle for us yeah.
- Liesel Mertes
That's a scary story. I'm so glad you guys were OK.
This story captures my attention for two reasons. First, it horrifies me because I and three other grown-ups were standing right next to the river, eating oranges and chatting, and we didn’t have any idea what was happening. That is how fast these childhood traumas can happen. In Magnus’ story, I also hear the immediacy of his fear and anxiety…and the reality that disruptive life events don’t fit into neat, discreet boxes. The river, the surgery, the threat of death, they all cascade into each other.
- Liesel Mertes
Do you find that, like do you talk about Mercy much with your friends or with teachers at school?
- Magnus Mertes
Like, with my best friends who, like Sebastian Falconi. Yeah, I'd tell them about it.
- Magnus Mertes
Because I feel like I've gotten a good friendship with them and that they tell me about stuff. Like my friend, his parents got a divorce yes. So he it felt really, really hard on him. And I comforted him through that. And then later I told him that Mercy died and he, he just said, like, wow, you've been through the same stuff as I've been through this. Yeah. And that helped our relationship and now we're best buds.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. What are things, when you tell people, what are things that are really helpful that they say to you or help you with?
- Magnus Mertes
Last year, when I got my concussion, what happened was, when I was in my bed in a dark room, my mom opened the door and said I got a visitor. And it turned out to be one of my friends, Forrest, who was actually there when I passed out and he came there. He wrote an encouraging note to me and I kept that hidden in my bed. And every day I would read it and I would think, I can get through this.
- Liesel Mertes
Are there other things that grownups do or that are helpful to you when you're feeling sad or scared about Mercy or about Moses or about anything?
- Magnus Mertes
So when I was afraid of death, my mom would play a song that I really liked called High Noon by Andrew Peterson and it just helped me feel really good, I feel really good and think that God knows what's going to happen to me and he's taking care of me and he loves me.
- Liesel Mertes
You tell me a little bit more about that being afraid of death. What was that like?
- Magnus Mertes
So, being afraid of death. I can get, like, a shiver down my spine that I would have to like leave my family and my siblings my Nana and Pa. And in fact, my great grandma and June, she was put in the hospital at age 92 for pneumonia and I felt scared, really really scared, and luckily she recovered and she's in a nursing home now. She recovered but she's really weak.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. Is there anything that you feel like grown ups don't understand about kids when they're sad?
- Magnus Mertes
I feel like kids. They get like depressed and it really like breaks them up and they say like, nothing's wrong, but like, I don't think parents understand that when they say it like that, that now they just kind of like leave them alone. But what they mostly need is to engage and be comforted
- Liesel Mertes
Sure. If there's somebody listening who is going through some of the hard things that you've gone through. Do any words of wisdom or encouragement that you'd give them?
- Magnus Mertes
I would say that you guys can do this that you guys, and if you're going through a rough time, I'm sorry that you're going through them but just know that God is going to help you and he's going to give you the best thing that he can do possible.
MUSICAL TRANSITION
Here are three take-aways that I have after my conversation with Magnus
- Magnus reflected that sometimes, kids say that nothing is wrong when bad things happen. Parents, in response, will just leave them alone. In Magnus’ words, “what they mostly need is to engage and be comforted.” This is a good reminder, for both kids and adults, that people crave the support of relationship and community when disruption comes.
- Don’t overlook the pain and the process of young children. Magnus was only seventeen months old when Mercy died. And he was in preschool when Moses was born. In the midst of our overwhelming pain, it would have been all too easy to overlook Magnus, to think that he was too young to process what was going on…to just hope that he would be fine. Yet, these experiences have profoundly shaped him.
- Music can be a great form of comfort for adults and children. There have been times where the fears were so big and words found their limits. During those times, we found that it was really helpful to have a playlist of meaningful songs that he could listen to that helped to ground and reassure him.
OUTRO