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Handle with Care: Empathy at Work


Jun 17, 2019

– David Mills

I've learned that I truly want to model what it means to be a man who is in control of your emotions because I drank I became an alcoholic because I wasn't in control of my emotions so many of the bad decisions that I made in life have been because I wasn't in control of my emotions so honor what you're feeling but also it doesn't have to control you.

 

Intro

 

Today, we talk about divorce, single parenting, depression and planning to kill yourself.  We talk about addiction, alcohol and the courage it takes to get sober.  My guest is David Mills.

 

- David Mills

So I am a father of a five year old, Atticus, and I am divorced and currently between jobs and a recovering alcoholic. And I think those are kind of the highlights

 

In addition to these highlights, David and his son, Atticus, have recently taken up skateboarding, they are connoisseurs of Chicago playgrounds, and they love board games. 

 

- David Mills

Well, we actually don't want to brag, but we actually have a pretty fancy board game shop where you can go and we just pick games that nobody's ever heard of, better age appropriate name like a waiter who comes over and asks you what kind of board games you're into and then they bring you suggestions.

 

- LIesel Mertes

 Wow.

 

I’ve known David for more than half of my life.  I first met him at the age of seventeen, he went by “Dave” back then. And I think that most people in my class at our conservative private school remember Dave’s first day of junior year.  He was new to the school that year.  Jeans weren’t allowed, and my male classmates defaulted to chinos or track pants.  Not Dave.  In this sea of khaki, he arrived that first day looking like Bono is a pair of leather pants. 

 

- David Mills

I guess I've always I've always, like I've always been a little bit off kilter. So my, reputation has always been probably the person who's going to do something like this.

 

And David has lived a life that is off-kilter, in the most adventurous of ways. After college, he got a master’s degree in international development.  With a graduate degree in hand, he hopped a plane Sudan and lived for a year and a half, working with Samaritan’s Purse.  There, he helped manage a hospital, train midwives, build schools, and direct feeding programs.  

 

After his time in Sudan, David returned to the States and began to work in refugee resettlement.  He met and married Mary at the age of 27.  They moved a few more times and welcomed a son, Atticus, into the world.  David, Mary, and Atticus moved back to Chicago to be near her family and that is when it all fell apart. 

 

 

- David Mills

So my ex-wife and I split up and the divorce was finalized just, you know, basically two years ago.

 

- David Mills

So the divorce process was about a year and while, of course, looking back at a marriage, you can see all of the signs that it was headed a certain trajectory, when it happened, it felt really sudden. I wasn't prepared for it in any way and I really started spiraling pretty much, almost immediately and really just felt like I was kind of going about town like a concussed boxer or something, just kind of dazed, didn't know what to do. And just trying to figure out what the heck was next in my day that could give me, like, just even an ounce of motivation to keep going. So it was pretty devastating.

 

- LIesel Mertes

It was what do you wish that you would have had in that time?

 

- David Mills

I would have had people to help me make a plan. I feel like a lot of people are good at offering condolences, offering sympathy, genuine heartfelt sympathy and by focusing on the part of the divorce that is the romantic failure of things, which is just a small part of what collapses when you no longer have your life partner with you. That's a small part of what you built together. It's everything else.

 

- David Mills

And truly, for me, it was like going from being having access to my son 24 hours a day, seven days a week to having access to my son half of that time and having no compass for understanding which direction I should go when he wasn't there. Because I truly think that one of, the reasons our marriage didn't work out is because, not just, not just because we grew apart, but that the energy that we have left over, we were always devoting right into Atticus. We weren't creating that space for us outside of it.

 

 - David Mills

But I digress. I think that I wish people would have helped me make a plan to say like, OK, you're separated, what next? Well, you need to get a good attorney, like, you need to get that stuff figured out. You need to be in mediation and to try to get this resolved as quickly and peacefully as possible and do what's in the best interests of Atticus. OK. Like, what are you, what, what's your, like, what's your, what's your vocational trajectory? Like, what's a step that we can take to get you on the right path that help you make a plan?

 

- David Mills

 Like, I'm always someone who, like the best way that someone, someone can show love to me has to, like help me make a plan to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles, which I think, a lot of, because of my ADHD, like little things or medium-sized tasks can become really insurmountable as they cycle around in my head enough and enough times, and it seems, like, I don't even, I can't even get any forward progress on them at all. I don't start. I don't even have the initiative because it's just overwhelming to think about so.

 

- David Mills

 And then people to like tell me, we understand that you're going through some stuff right now, but like you, you need to keep your head up and you also need to like take care of your own emotional needs and you can't just count on it to happen on its own.

 

- David Mills

So I wish someone would have been saying, like, Hey I went ahead and set up an appointment with a therapist for you; I'm driving you there we'll get lunch on the way. Like or probably, like towards the end of things, somebody should have said, like, hey we're going to an AA meeting. We'll get food on the way. Right? So, I wish I would have had people doing that. And I think that people don't. That's not natural, to know that people need help that way. The natural thing is to say, like, I'm so sorry Just tell me any way that I can help you. And I didn't know how to say that I needed these things; I just needed people to know them. Which is a pretty, is a pretty heavy ask. I understand, but really, I think that's what would have helped.

 

David felt the divorce as a shocking introduction into a disorienting, lonely stage of adulthood. 

 

- David Mills

So then, the next stage was like, when you're really responsible wife is no longer with you, time to be an adult, like, and I wish I would have had some people, like, doing some immediate triage, and I feel like there's a lot of men in this country, because in that same position, because so much of the heavy logistical lifting is done by heterosexual relationships by their by their partner. And that's really unfortunate and I think a lot of the emotional heavy lifting is done by women as well. So then, when their one support collapses, potentially because she can't take the weight of it anymore, then they are just left with nothing because they haven't done a good job investing in those friendships along the way and making sure that they have a strong support network. They relied on their, their female partner for that.

 

Musical transition

 

- David Mills

I mean I think I did parts of it fine. And then did parts of it, you know, not so great. I think my immediate reaction was, well, was to get into another relationship. To me, you know, excuse me to yeah, it's like to focus on the wrong part of myself and I feel so ashamed even saying that now. But like I think maybe my divorce was timeless. And you know, at a time in my life, when I was already like feeling a lot of uncertainty and then that just kind of shattered what remained in confidence.

 

At this vulnerable time, the support of his family was really important for David.  They offered him the space of their home, a place to bring Atticus, a place where a community of support could help David to be a better father.  There were also things that people did at that time that weren’t as helpful.

 

- David Mills

Yeah. Like when people like express like any towards any anger towards Mary, I was like yeah like of course like it I feel anger as well. I'm a human being. But,. like also, like that's it's not helpful for you to like remind me of reasons that you think I should be angry. And also that's the mother of my child. You know so and I'm trying to get through this in a way that preserves the dignity of everybody involved so let's bring that down a notch. But that should that's really wasn't that much but when it did happen it was really frustrating.

 

- David Mills

And the, you know, like I think people offer a lot of trite language whenever you're going through is really indescribably dark things. So you know, saying things like like, oh you just you're so special, I know you're gonna make it through you've always bounce back from these things. Things like that, and it's like well it really doesn't feel that way right now and this feels really dark and you know I, through that process of divorce and separation and divorce and and even you know, the tree continued after that I went through pretty severe bouts of depression so which really manifests for me and just crippling exhaustion completely lose motivation to really do anything.

 

- David Mills

So I wish that again, someone would have just made sure that I got to see you know a counselor and then also a natural doctor to prescribe me antidepressants like sooner than happened during that time because like, I I truly I was very close to suicide so I before I reached out. So I wish somebody would have been encouraging me to reach out a little bit sooner but also

 

- LIesel Mertes

What was, like the tipping point for you that made you reach out in that moment?

 

- David Mills

 I mean I think actually actually, planning how I was gonna I was gonna kill myself is when I decided this can happen. So yeah that was that was really the tipping point for me. And you know of course of course in those moments it was was really Atticus that got me through just thinking about that. Like thinking about the utter devastation that would cause a child to lose their parent at that age. Yeah, I mean it's it's everything looks different and everything feels a lot of things feel a lot more selfish when you're looking at it through the lens of parenthood and quitting felt pretty selfish and I don't mean that in any way as a slight to people that feel suicidal as though they're being selfish, that's not a real super helpful thing to hear.

 

- David Mills

 Believe it or not. And but you do you do like you do start thinking like yeah like death being easy escape, but it's really a pretty messed up thing to leave out against. So I think it knows in those moments that's when I finally snapped and I was like, OK well I can't actually happen even if I wanted to. I have to get help. Let's get help. Let's get through this. So, but know I was still drinking really heavily at the time as well. And that continued well on, Well on after the divorce was finalized.

 

- David Mills

 So yeah. Which I guess we could probably talk about that as well I just didn't want to jump right into it.

 

- LIesel Mertes

Sure. Tell me Tell me how that weaved into your story.

 

- David Mills

Yeah. You know I've always been a drinker. And I saw on college and grad school and then as an adult I think it's really one of the one of the I truly think most corrosive things about our society is the way that like you're taught as adults not like you can drink but like drinking is a necessary part of a social function. Drinking is a necessary part of bonding which is just it does not have to be that way. So.

 

- David Mills

I was drinking exceptionally heavy during the divorce and then it just never really slowed down and it was getting to the point you know I was drinking when I didn't have adequate scores.

 

- David Mills

You know drinking two beers first thing in the morning like I was basically going to six Guinness a day diet which also does not do amazing things for the physique. Believe it or not. And that was like, in addition to that, was like the starting point right then there were like other drinks that I would have on top of that but it was getting to the point where I couldn't start the day without all I couldn't make it through the day without alcohol. And I certainly couldn't fall asleep.

 

David was deeply, truly unhappy.  So, a year ago, he decided to quit.

 

Music under a portion of this section…

- David Mills

And I finally came to the realization through like a weekend of exceptionally heavy memory loss level drinking that I was completely incapable of moderating my alcohol intake anymore. My barometer was just completely broken barometer is probably not the right word but whatever. And I didn't. My brakes were completely worn out. I couldn't stop if I started. I had to keep going. And it was the only time that I felt like of the race car is going around like 100 miles an hour in my head ever. Like either like I could it would drown out the sound of that. Or like it would you know sensibly like like it was drown out most of the sound.

 

- David Mills

So it was truly an escape. Truly truly truly

 

- David Mills

 and it was absolutely like wrecking my health. It was wrecking my. It was wrecking my life and pretty much every way. And I truly feel like it was affecting me as a I mean it couldn't have not been affecting me as a father even if I wasn't drinking in front of Atticus.

 

- David Mills

So when I decided to put it down I I did and I went to AA for a while. It wasn't so much my thing but that eventually get back into therapy and have been in and out of therapy since then as well.

 

- David Mills

So those are you know I really I really feel like you know once you start drinking like there's all the parts yourself, something you really don't like. And for me, I was drinking to kind of quiet those parts. So when you stop drinking, you really, your only option is to like look at those parts in the face. Right.

 

- David Mills

And like, I remember somebody telling me like I'm sure I'm sure like a really well intentioned I am thankful I can remember who it is but they're listening. It was another person it wasn't you. Somebody else told me first.

 

- David Mills

They were like well you know there's that old Indian saying and whenever a white person says there's an old Indian saying you know it's gonna be some real go to wisdom point

 

- LIesel Mertes

And you don't know if it's the subcontinent or first nation Yeah Indians are we talking about.

 

- David Mills

All right. Exactly. Exactly.

 

- David Mills

They're like, you know there's two wolves inside every man and the one you feed is the one that wins or whatever that thing is. Which, I'm sure like and you no disrespect to first nations people, I'm sure it's a very meaningful metaphor in its original context, but I was like Yeah. OK. But then basically you're saying is like the key to like being a good man is to be at war with yourself for your entire life and to look at the parts of yourself which you're uncomfortable with those parts that need to be starved and not parts that need nourishment love and acceptance.

 

- David Mills

 So I that's that's a big realization that I came to, right? That these parts of myself which I didn't like, a lot of them going back to trauma earlier, you know, trauma from sexual assault and childhood or trauma from all of the things that I've gone through in the past several years just everyday trauma that we all go through. Right. And accumulates and all of us over life. I was addressing these things by treating them as though they needed to be starved and it wasn't working because no matter how much I drown their voices with alcohol, it got louder and louder. So then it becomes a point of OK, but what's at the core of these quote unquote demons.

 

Musical transition

 

- David Mills

 So when we treat ourselves like you know, not to harp on this one proverb too much, but I think it's indicative of how we think as a society generally, like you know that there's a good part of us in a bad part of us and if we focus on the good we'll become a better person over time rather than saying like this is all who you are. These are real human needs that need to be met represented in these things that you're either sinning are your good traits or are your demons

 

 

- LIesel Mertes

So at the time, as you are as you're dealing with a divorce as you're facing these parts of yourself, you are realizing like, I am drinking a lot of alcohol, you know you're going to work day and you're showing up in your workplace. Was this something that your co-workers knew about or didn't? Like, how did people, how did that play out?

 

- David Mills

Yeah. So I pretty quickly realized that I was either just going to tell everybody everything or I was going to not tell anybody anything because I couldn't. What I didn't want, I keep straight is like which version of myself I was gonna share with people. No disrespect to people who don't want to talk about, you know their addictions out loud and in public. No that's not what I'm saying.

 

- David Mills

But for me the only way to have a chance of succeeding in it was to be really Iran honest about all the time, so that included in my workplace, you know and you know, what it was like and in meetings, when you're asked to give like a little devotional in the beginning of a meeting or something like that, it would come up or just you know people, I post about you know on Facebook. I think and a lot of my co-workers were friends of me on Facebook. So people now, I just I really just tried my best not to not to separate out the people who knew and who didn't.

 

- David Mills

And like, I there's a history of alcoholism in my family and I don't necessarily know how much of addiction is hereditary. But so I, I also felt it was and it was important for me to be as vulnerable as I could and as much as I could about this just as an example to maybe individuals who I knew who didn't feel like they could be as open about it or weren't at the same place. So I felt like if I could just like provide a little bit of cover for people maybe it would be good. Which is kind of kind of a role I always take.

 

Musical Transition

 

- David Mills

I think the negative side of that is like, sometimes I feel like someone who perpetually doesn't meet expectation or perpetually, people say as a lot of like what's the word people use has a lot of like promise or like a lot of I can't I can't think of the word but

 

- LIesel Mertes

Potential?

 

- David Mills

 Potential. There it is. Thank you. A lot of potential. So there is a watch that can draw patronizing in some way. Yeah especially after 30.

 

 

- LIesel Mertes

Were there any ways that people they knew about, people with you in the workplace, if they like came alongside you whether that was. And in whatever way, structurally or personally that you're like, they did that well.

 

- David Mills

Well there are people at the office, like I think were just really great about just saying like how are you doing, Are you doing OK? Which, even if it meant probably, like you, are you on the wagon? Like, were still like deeply kind and helpful. And one of the reasons I just wanted to make it open at the workplace that I was in recovery is because I knew people, some people would end up knowing and then it would just make like these awkward conversations and people would think that like I was going through something truly terrible. So yeah, I think that was that was especially helpful.

 

- David Mills

But more than that was like finding ways, to why it's so hard, right, because like when you schedule, slip when you schedule social outings that like our counseling like got a bar in the city or whatever it can be really difficult. Those earliest days of recovery now I can walk into a bar and most days be fine. There's some days when I don't. But most days it's cool.

 

- David Mills

But people don't really know how to react like the people who decide to stop drinking at this age. So they're like you know like, oh I don't like. I'm sorry I don't have anything to drink besides alcohol, but like would you like you know like a block of cheese or something and I'm like Oh yes absolutely. Of course but also just water's fine.

 

Musical transition

 

- David Mills

Helping me lean into my hobbies would have been really helpful or like asking me the question like like, don't think about work, don't think about this in the context of being a father. Don't think about this the context of anything except like what's one thing that you would like to become really good at. You either know nothing about or you know a little bit about and you would like to know more about and then help me pursue that, I like, just something to focus my attention towards creating anything would have been really helpful in that moment.

 

- LIesel Mertes

So if you were offering words or insight to a younger version of yourself or someone who's going through something similar whether it's a divorce or looking at the outplay of your relationship with alcohol. What would you speak from your present position at 35?

 

- David Mills

Like you're only a man. You're only human. Going to go through a lot. You're going to accomplish a lot. You're gonna have a lot of failure.

 

- David Mills

In the end you're just a human. So try to be a better one than you're being right now be less selfish. I would give my, I guess what I'm saying is I would give myself a lecture which seems like something that like 24 year old me would have been like super not too. So maybe that's a problem yeah.

 

- David Mills

I guess I would tell myself to deal with the trauma I guess I would tell myself the deal with the trauma and that it was gonna be OK.

 

- David Mills

I think if I would've done that earlier I would have been better in every aspect of my life. And the more I do it the better I am even on darker days. So yeah there's a lot that I didn't face as soon as I wish I would.

 

Musical transition

- David Mills

There is going to be a lot of moments over the next year where you feel like you don't have the capacity or the time to breathe. There is no single decision that you make that is going to be worse because you took five seconds to breathe.

 

- David Mills

And that is like maybe that's also one thing that I wish someone would have just said to me straight up if they were if they were determined to offer me any advice. Is it's OK to just assess how you're feeling from a truly nonjudgmental perspective, it's OK to feel whatever you're feeling as deeply as you can. And then react to a situation in a way that isn't dominated by your emotions.

 

- David Mills

And I this is maybe a bit more gendered, but I do think that particularly cis gender men in our country are generally pretty not in control of their emotions a lot of the time. And we see that play out. And in the micro aggressions which tear marriages apart, we see that play out in the political landscape. We see that play out and social policies that have children ripped away from their parents and put in cages. We see it all over the place. This truly toxic masculinity. So, if there's anything that I can do to model a different way of what it means to be quote a man and in this society for Atticus, that's really important to me and it's at the heart of that is teaching him to be fully comfortable with what he's feeling able to name it able to name when he needs space from others to process it

 

- David Mills

like one of my proudest moments as a father when Atticus was really upset and he said I just really think I need five minutes alone in my room and I was like, Dude awesome I'm that person. But I want to model through this process.

 

- David Mills

I've I've learned that I truly want to model what it means to be a man who is in control of your emotions because I drank I became an alcoholic because I wasn't in control of my emotions so many of the bad decisions that I made in life have been because I wasn't in control of my emotions so honor what you're feeling but also it doesn't have to control you.

 

Musical transition

 

I have three key takeaways from my conversation with David

  • Offer to help with the logistics of a disruptive transition. David said, again and again, how much it would have helped him to have someone help him make a plan, a plan about vocation or attorneys or mediation.  The logistical burden of change and loss can feel paralyzing.  When someone you care about is going through something hard, don’t just make vague comments of support like, “if you need anything, call”.  Can you offer your time and expertise to help with steps moving forward?
  • How central is alcohol to your events or your after-hours socializing? What sort of an atmosphere does this create for people that don’t drink or that are trying to stay sober?  Have you ever paused the ask the question?
  • Be aware of the language you use when talking about divorce. David recounted how it wasn’t helpful to have people speak poorly of Mary, that only complicated his situation.  He also bristled under well-meaning comments about how everything would be OK.  Before you jump in conversationally, take a moment to pause and consider your words.  Maybe now you are wondering, well, what can I say?  One of the safest, most meaningful comments you can offer to someone in a hard time is this:  “I am so sorry; I imagine this must feel really hard right now.”

 

Outro