Sep 22, 2019
A hug, a nap, a kind word: each of these actions can be really helpful for those that are going through hard times. Jemima Mertes, age 6, shares these insights and more on this episode of Handle with Care. Jemima is no stranger to sadness. As she speaks about her safe place, breathing techniques, and how to remember well, Jemima offers wisdom for anyone walking with a child through tumult as well as for those that support parents during times of disruption.
- Jemima Mertes
I get kinda get all sad in my stomach and then my eyes get watery. I think sometimes I say that kinda because I'm kind of feeling sad about Mercy but I don't want to admit it.
- Liesel Mertes
Why don't you want to admit it?
- Jemima Mertes
Cause I'm kinda scared. I don't know why.
INTRO
Today, we continue our miniseries on childhood disruption. If you missed our last episode, we are talking about how disruption affects children. By extension, we are also talking about the adults that care for them. If a parent goes through disruption, they are also interpreting and explaining and shepherding their child. I know, from my own story, how important and exhausting this role can be.
I hope that these reflections help in three potential ways.
- They help you better companion the children in your life that have experienced or are right now experiencing disruption. If you don’t remember, childhood can be hard. There are scraped knees and neighborhood bullies. Someone is always deciding when you go to bed and what you have to eat for dinner. Now, factor in a divorce or a cancer diagnosis. It can all feel pretty overwhelming, for both kids and adults.
- These episodes help you show more empathy to friends and coworkers that are parenting children through seasons of disruption.These adults are not only managing their own sadness and exhaustion, they have little people that are looking to them for direction and guidance…and that is a really particular burden to carry.
- Maybe these reflections help you to encounter your own childhood disruptions through a different light, to reflect on the ways that you were met or missed and how that empathy (or lack of empathy) might still be affecting you now.
My guest today is Jemima Mertes, my six (almost seven year old) daughter. Before she was born, Jemima’s older sister, Mercy, died at just eight days old. Jemima is the child born after our great loss. Jemima has also experienced real-time sadness. Her younger brother, Moses, has had numerous open heart surgeries. Jemima has been my hospital companion, coming along to cardiologist visits and holding Moses’ hand during blood draws. She exudes care and comfort. Jemima is the one that always remembers to pack snacks for sporting events, bringing extra applesauce and Cliff bars just in case someone else gets hungry too. She is not readily overwhelmed, steady and competent and deeply attentive to the needs of others.
- Liesel Mertes
So, tell us your name and how old you are.
- Jemima Mertes
My name is Jemima Mertes and I am six years old.
- Liesel Mertes
What grade will you be in next year?
- Jemima Mertes
First grade.
- Liesel Mertes
Jemima, tell us some of your favorite things to do. What do you really like?
- Jemima Mertes
I like watching movies. I like going to the store. I like swimming. I like going on slip and slides.
- Liesel Mertes
Totally. Do you have any favorite foods?
- Jemima Mertes
i like pizza. I like popcorn. I like ice cream. I like M&Ms. I like candy.
- Liesel Mertes
And tell us about where you fit in your family. Who are your siblings?
- Jemima Mertes
Magnus, Moses, Ada, Mercy.
- Liesel Mertes
And who is Mercy?
- Jemima Mertes
My baby...uh, my older sister.
- Liesel Mertes
Tell me a little bit more about her.
- Jemima Mertes
She lived only for eight days. She had a big bump on the back of her skull inside her skull was cracked in two pieces and
- Liesel Mertes
What happened to her?
- Jemima Mertes
She died.
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah. How did you hear about her dying? When do you first remember becoming aware that you had a sister who died?
- Jemima Mertes
I don't know.
- Liesel Mertes
What is it like being a sister to a sister who died?
- Jemima Mertes
Kinda sad.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. Tell me more about that.
- Jemima Mertes
Cause you can't really play with them and you kind of think of them feel sad.
- Liesel Mertes
What are times that make you feel sad?
- Jemima Mertes
When I get hurt
- Liesel Mertes
When you get hurt. When you think about Mercy, when you talk about times when you're sad about Mercy, what are some of those times like?
- Jemima Mertes
Uh, it kind of feels sad and I kind of cry a little bit.
- Liesel Mertes
Are there certain times of year where that happens more than others?
- Jemima Mertes
Mostly when I am in school.
- Liesel Mertes
What is it like when that happens in school?
- Jemima Mertes
Kind of sad, but my teacher helps me.
- Liesel Mertes
How does your teacher help you?
- Jemima Mertes
She makes me feel better, gives me a hug.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. Anything else she does to help you?
- Jemima Mertes
She sometimes gives me a snack.
- Liesel Mertes
Oh, snacks can be really helpful, can't they?
- Liesel Mertes
You've been talking lately, you've said, "Sometimes I just feel like crying and I don't know why." What does that feel like for you?
[00:04:24.560]
I guess kinda get all sad in my stomach and then my eyes get watery. I think sometimes I say that kinda because I'm kind of feeling sad about Mercy but I don't want to admit it.
- Liesel Mertes
Why don't you want to admit it?
- Jemima Mertes
Cause I'm kinda scared. I don't know why.
- Liesel Mertes
When you get really upset about something, how does it feel on your insides?
- Jemima Mertes
My brain kind of gets, my brain kind of makes me eyebrows go down on my eyes. And you kind of start shaking. And then my hands kind of want to move a lot and so do my legs.
- Liesel Mertes
What are some things that are important for you to do to remember Mercy? Are there are things that are important as a family that we do?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah we go, we sometimes go places for her birthday. We go to Great Wolf Lodge for her birthday sometimes. And we also go to her grave and I like taping stuff on it was kinda funny when that picture blew off the grave and then Daddy had to hop on it.
- Liesel Mertes
I remember that you put a picture on her grave and it like blew away didn't it? I remember that
- Jemima Mertes
It was a picture that I had made with hearts and squares.
I like it that Jemima can laugh at this funny memory from the gravesite: we were trying to tape lovingly handmade pictures on Mercy’s grave on one particularly blustery afternoon when a blast of wind caught a picture and sent it spinning. Luke had to run a good fifty yards in hot pursuit and make a diving leap. It was hilarious. And we strike this balance as a family: how to remember Mercy well without too much heaviness. My father remembers having to go to his mother’s grave on every holiday as a child, how oppressive the cemetary felt in his starched suit. I don’t want that for my kids. We try to have visits remain short, they are allowed to roam and explore. When we lived further south, sometimes Ada or Magnus would just ask to drop in after school for a casual visit. Another thing that we do as a family is to try to do something really fun in honor of Mercy during February. We have spent a couple of years going to Great Wolf Lodge, riding waterslides and eating pizza, so that Mercy is more than just a graveyard presence.
- Liesel Mertes
What do you what makes you most sad when you think about Mercy?
- Jemima Mertes
I don't know.
- Liesel Mertes
What do you wish that you got to do with her?
- Jemima Mertes
Play. Get to go on the slip and slide with her. Get to go to Great Wolf Lodge with her. Watch movies with her.
- Liesel Mertes
Do your friends know that you had a sister who died?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah, I sometimes tell them. I don't really want to cause kind of makes me feel sad.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. What did they do when you told them?
- Jemima Mertes
Say, Oh I'm sorry. And one day when I said, for announcements, this was the day my sister died, yeah, they were like, I said death day and they were like, what's a death day?
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. Did you tell them more about it?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah.
- Liesel Mertes
And how was that?
- Jemima Mertes
Uh, good.
I want to interject an observation. I am thankful that Jemima felt comfortable letting her teacher and her friends know about Mercy and her death day. I think that it can be difficult for children to find the space to bring up their sibling that died. Mercy is very much a part of our family. Even as a grown-up, I can find it feels socially complex to bring up my dead daughter. At what point in relationship is it appropriate to let you know about this integral person that died, this little girl that has shaped so much of my story? If I reel that, my children probably feel it too. So, a few years ago, we decided to host a birthday party for Mercy Joan. Ada, Magnus, Jemima, and Moses all invited friends. There was cake and a showing of Big Hero 6. We wanted to provide the children with space to introduce their friends to the reality of Mercy in a way that felt organic. I hope it helped…
- Liesel Mertes
We were talking about Mercy, but you've also had another one of your siblings who has had some hard times with their health. Who's that and what's wrong with them?
- Jemima Mertes
Moses. He has a heart problem.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. And with Moses what has had to happen for him?
- Jemima Mertes
He's had to have his bones cracked open and fix up his heart and have wires to patch up his heart.
- Liesel Mertes
What has that been like for you as his sister?
- Jemima Mertes
Kinda scary. I like when I get to visit him.
- Liesel Mertes
You go to the hospital and visit him?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah, I like getting sometimes ice cream and I like having fun with him cause I don't really get to see him when he's in surgery and I like watching movies with him in his bed.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah you're really good at watching movies with him on his bed. How does it make you feel, as his sister, when he has to have surgeries or more tests?
- Jemima Mertes
Very scary. Cause I don't know what's gonna happen, what they're gonna say.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah, is there anything that helps you when you feel scared like that?
- Jemima Mertes
Kind of breathing in and out..
- Liesel Mertes
Totally. That breathing a great thing to do. Anything else that helps you?
- Jemima Mertes
You smile, take a breath, and relax.
- Liesel Mertes
I like that
- Jemima Mertes
I have a lot of breathing I can do.
- Liesel Mertes
Did they teach you that at school? Yeah they do I like that.
- Jemima Mertes
And also going to bed makes me feel better.
- Liesel Mertes
Oh. Going to bed can make me feel super better when I have hard times too.
- Liesel Mertes
Tell us about your safe spot.
- Jemima Mertes
My safe spot is a place I made out of wood, blankets, and straps. I put the stuff in it, like putty, that I can use when I am really angry and then I can remake the stuff and keep ripping it.
Sometimes the emotions of childhood are so very big and scary. The anger, the sadness can seem totalizing. This is why we helped Jemima build her safe spot. It is a place she can go when she feels flooded by emotion. As she mentioned, she has some meaningful objects in her safe spot. Pictures and thing that calm her, paper to write on, a calculator (she loves math) and putty. Putty by request. Jemima found that she could tear and destroy putty when she was really angry, but, unlike other objects, it could be put back together again. Especially in a busy house with four children, I have really appreciated how the space spot gives her a physical space that is out of the way to regulate and return.
- Liesel Mertes
I think sometimes grown ups don't really know how to help kids when they've gone through a hard time. What are good ways that your friends could help you or that grown ups could help you?
- Jemima Mertes
They can tell you it's OK and sometimes give you snacks and give you a hug.
- Liesel Mertes
Anything else that helps you?
- Jemima Mertes
I don't know
- Liesel Mertes
Anything else that grownups should know about kids?
- Jemima Mertes
That they love candy
MUSICAL TRANSITION
A few reflections on my time with Jemima
- There is great power to a tasty snack, a warm hug, and a good night’s rest for both adults and children.
- Providing children with a safe spot can help with unruly emotions. Putty can be a great resource; Jemima found particular comfort in a tactile expression for her large emotions. There are also companies like Generation Mindful that provide Time-In Toolkits. I am including their information and a link to our favorite putty in the show notes.
- When you are feeling scared and overwhelmed, take time to breathe. Jemima demonstrated a few techniques in our podcast. I love that they are teaching these techniques in school…and it is great insight for adults as well. Deep, rhythmic breathing communicates safety to your body and helps to stem the cascade of stress responses in the body.
OUTRO
Here are links to the resources mentioned in today’s podcast
-
Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty: https://puttyworld.com
-
Generation Mindful: https://www.genmindful.com/?rfsn=654637.ab95e